How I strived to be thin I have always wished to be thin and pretty. Why is it that everyone assumes that to be pretty, one must be thin. To me ..I believe it to be true, maybe this is why I have struggled my entire life with weight. When I hit puberty, all the other girls got breasts. I gained about 20 pounds and kept growing. Even my mother was baffled by the weight gain, and I didn't know what was going on. I got up to 200 pounds. Then of course, all the fat comments and jokes that came throughout my entire high school life. It was horrible, and to cope, I ate even more. I hid from the world. I ate a lot, and it didn't matter what it was. I was an obsessive compulsive who was severely depressed. By the final year of high school, I swore I was not going to be known as the fattest girl in school and I went on a diet. Surprisingly, this time, slowly but surely I was losing weight and feeling great, even my family was happy. That's when it became my obsession. Everyone was telling me how good I was looking, and that's when I thought just a few more pounds and I would look even better. However, when I would hit the weight I thought I 'wanted to be', I just wanted to lose more. So the less I ate and the more I exercised. I lost 80 pounds in three months. I was skinny, but depressed. No one truly noticed that I had a problem, they noticed I was thin, but nothing big came out of it..at least at first. People started noticing me measure and weigh everything I ate. I had a schedule of what I could eat and when. That's when I had to start eating again to get people off my back, but I didn't want to gain weight. Welcome to binging and purging. Bulimia didn't really get me until my university days. People at school mocked me as being too thin and that I should eat, but I thought gaining weight was the last thing I needed. So I ate in front of them, but than quickly got rid of it. Now I was throwing up and suffering from depression. I never binged and purged all the time. It varied form week to week and month to month. For a long while I thought I never hand one, just low self-esteem. I am never pretty enough, smart or thin enough and it gets hard. I do love food. When I am alone I will eat a lot of it. I think that when I am eating it is ok, but as soon as I am done, a huge feeling of guilt comes over me, to the point that I just can't take it anymore. Most people don't understand. I have great friends and a wonderful I still struggle every minute of everyday and I keep it all to myself. None of my friends know, or suspects, and neither does my family. I live with this secret everyday and have been for the past 10 years. Learning to love yourself is harder than it looks, and unless you have lived or have an eating disorder, you cannot truly understand what it is like to look in the mirror everyday and pick out what is wrong with you. No one else sees it but you. If you can talk to someone about it, without the fear of being judged, do it, and do it now and stop living with the fear that people won't like you, because they most likely do.
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