Stick Thin

I was always chubby. When I was about 8, I became, not overweight but not the stick thin little girl I was before. I was used to the thin that I don't quite have today.

I had never once weighed myself, but when I was 9, I weighed about...hmmm, 80 pounds or so, I think. Then I started to gain a lot of weight.

When I was 11, I was about 112 pounds. That's not good for an 11 year old. When I was 12, I was about 115 pounds.That is when it began. My dad and brothers called me fat every day.

My mum said, "If you get any thinner, you'll be too thin. If you get any fatter, you'll be too fat." But that wasn't good enough. I wanted to be called thin, like, "OMG, that girl is THIN!"

I got up to about 105 pounds a few months later, then 102 and
now 97 at 14 years old, but I want to get down some more. Many people say I'm fat still. I want to be the girl they see walking down the street, the one that looks like she's just come out of hospital.

I try not to eat as much as I can. I really try. I skip breakfast whenever I can. I skip school meals almost all the time. But whenever I come home, it's "EAT THIS, EAT THAT!" WHY CANT THEY JUST LET ME BE? THEY ARE MAKING MY LIFE A SAD, HOPELESS, SHELL.

So, they force me food that I don't want to eat. I try so hard not to. But because I do eat it, I have to take it out. I exercise for an hour, then I have no choice. It's still in there. I can't get it out so I'm in and out of the bathroom every 15 minutes making sure nothing else stays inside.

I know that when I go to sleep at night, I will always feel the same, the shame and the hate.

I want to be free and be happy, but they are making it so difficult. All I want to do is be thin. My goal is 90 pounds before Christmas, and then 80 the next year, but I can't do it when they make me eat. "AND IT HURTS SO MUCH BECAUSE WHEN THEY PUT THAT PLATE IN FRONT OF ME, I CANT HELP MYSELF!"

It takes so much willpower and courage to pull that plate away, but it takes more to pull it back.

"A 5 foot coffin, one foot for every pound."

"You will never be thin enough until you are dead."

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