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Anorexia by Sophomore Year
I started to have the tendencies toward anorexia my sophomore year, I came back to school weighing 110 pounds. I had always been skinny. I am 5 foot 7 inches. In 7th grade I was 5'5'' and weighed 84 pounds.
I lived in an abusive household where nothing I did was good enough, so I retaliated against myself, first by cutting, then inwards so people couldn't see until it was too late. I wanted to die.
I am 18 now. When I was 17, I went to rehab where they wouldn't let me run. When I don't run, I lose weight, that's how I was before I started running in 7th grade and that's how I am when I don't run now, I need to run to maintain at least 112 pounds, which is the highest I've ever been. they accused me of purging because of this. I never did that.
I go home and people betray me, accuse me of purging, I lie about it, they call me a liar about purging, I deny all of it. People started to notice I was hiding something, maybe that I was hurt over and over, I was.
My personality changed and I became freakishly silent. I couldn't break out of it. I lived inside myself. I was in too much pain. If I didn't eat for a few days, I would get hungry, start hurting physically, then all I could think about would be my hunger. I still do that. I am currently, 108 pounds. still weigh myself daily, and I was 102 pounds a month ago, I cannot let myself get to 110 pounds.
I weighed 110 pounds my sophomore year in high school and a guy told me I was hot. In my freshman year at 100 pounds and obese my sophomore year at 110. So I starved myself.
I think that anorexia is very much like depression, expressed physically, like cutting, hiding, and secretive. You live inside your head, rely on yourself and no one else, especially when you've been hurt and betrayed so many times. You can't bare to let anyone in, so it gets worse.
I have been suicidal, but I got through it. You can get through anything, even anorexia. You never fully heal from anorexia, and most of the time, there's stuff behind it, like, emotional pain.
Once you face that, you may begin to recover, but I still can't trust people, because I've been hurt and betrayed too many times. I run 3 times a day. I hope I can eventually get better. I'm not sure how now because every day is a struggle.
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