Say Goodbye to Ana Can I say Goodbye to Ana yet? I'm fed up with the life I lead. I'm constantly overwhelmed by thoughts of food, calories, and exercise. Whatever I eat is too much, but I know I should eat. It's like there's two voices in my head, the logical side that knows I need to eat and losing too much weight isn't healthy, but there's the other voice that tells me I need to lose weight, that I'm fat, and ugly. Most of the time the latter voice is stronger, dictating my every move, thought, plan for the day, how to get out of meals, and what lies to tell my parents. In a way I hate it, I never have any energy, I am dizzy a lot, my hair is falling out, I'm depressed and I wish I could battle it, but then at the same time I don't want to. I want to become the perfect image that I formed in my head. It makes me very depressed that I'm not there yet. It makes me feel like a failure, which just makes me restrict my diet more. More often than not, I'll starve myself for weeks by not eating anything. Yet, I long so much to say goodbye to anorexia. I want my life back, I want to be the bubbly person people see me as and not just the act that I put on. I want to be the wonderful person my cousin keeps saying I am. I don't see it myself. I don't know how to overcome it. It is part of my life. To me it's like breathing, its just something I do. Every since I was in primary school, I've felt fat and hideous compared to other people. I've been bullied at school my whole life. I think that's where it started. I just started to believe what people were saying. When I was 14, I started to skip breakfast, and give my lunch away to my friends. But it was a year ago when things got considerably worse. I have no self esteem (surprise, surprise), my weight fluctuates, losing a lot, then putting on a few pounds. When I have those days where the first voice is stronger, yet the second voice always comes back and make me feel guilty, make me purge, or punishes me in some way so that I don't give in to those weak moments again. I've struggled with this for what seems like an eternity, admittedly there are others worse than me, who've battled it for longer, but I just want to say if you ever start to display symptoms of an eating disorder, seek help before its too late. It's true what people say, once you start on this downward spiral, it consumes you, takes your life, makes you depressed. You'll feel like there is no way out of it, and trust me that's not a good place to be. I'm still at this moment struggling to realize that I need help. People keep saying I do, but I don't see it, I don't want to see it. Please help yourself before it's too late.
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Health Topic: Tummy Tuck Surgery: What No One Tells You Anorexia and my hips: A true personal story How to choose the best weight loss program How to deal with a stubborn husband or boyfriend |
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