Recovery Stories

What is the end for the catarpillar, is a new beginning for the butterfly

I thought recovery was about gaining weight. I feared it like it was my worst enemy.

I now know that I was wrong. Recovery, can on a physical level be about gaining the weight the body needs to do it's job. It can be about learning to eat more and eat more often.

But, I found out that recovery is about learning to live, instead of just existing as a body. I learned that recovery is about finding a life that works for me, a life based on my talents, my dreams and my limits. It's about learning to live my life, not the life others have prepared for me. It's about accepting that I am not perfect and I will never be perfect. I have my limits, I have areas in life that I am not good at. But I also learned that I don't have to be perfect.

I am okay the way I am right here, right now. I don't have to change. I don't have to do something to be worthy life. I don't have to do anything to deserve the love from others. I am okay they way I am. If others don't like me the way I am, then it's their problems, not mine. I can accept myself and choose to be with people that accepts me for who I am.

I don't have to be a good girl all the time. I have the same rights as everybody on earth. I have the right to take up the space my body takes. I don't have to make excuses for being alive and for breathing. I don't have apologize for my thoughts and my feelings. I have the right to be me. I have the right to cry, scream, need things, being loved, love, be happy and be sad.

For me, recovery was much about learning to accept me for who I am. Accept the body I have. Accept that I don't have the family I dreamed of. I can't make my family the perfect family, by starving myself for something I thought was a perfect body.

It started with a little act of kindness to myself. I started to say "I love you" to the reflection in the mirror, even though I didn't believe my own words. But nice words do something with you, and little by little I learned to love myself. I learned to take care of myself. I learned to like me and be good to me. It was not something that happened over one night. And it was not easy. It cost me a lot of tears, courage, strength and faith.

There were times when I wanted to give up, but I learned that it was those times that was most important for me, to keep walking and also reach out to others for help.

The Eating Disorder has cost me a lot, but I had to spend six awful years living with the eating disorder. I had serious seizures that could have cost me my life. Losing my friends. I realized that I was playing with death, and I had to choose what way I really wanted to walk. I realized that I had to choose life or death.

I chose life. I am now almost considering myself recovered. Recovery is not only having good days, but it is handling those bad days in a healthy way. It's knowing that the sun will come up again.

Even though it has cost me a lot of hard work. I gained some weight and have had to throw away some of my trousers. I believe recovery is worth all it costs.

I am finally seeing the sunshine again. I live in colors. I have learned to feel again. For years I was numb. And if I felt anything it was pain. I am little by little learning to dance in the sunshine and smell the flowers along the road. And I have opened up my eyes to see the love that's in my life and always have been there, but I was blinded by the eating Disorder. I am starting to love myself again myself. I haven't had interest and time for boys in years, but finally, I am starting to enjoy that we were created man and female.

I have found a life that works for me. I have learned to speak with my body instead of with my weight. I have learned to talk about my needs instead of screaming my needs out with my starvation. I have learned to take time to rest and to take care of me. I have learned to listen to my body.

It feels like I have really moved into my body and made home out of it. The lights are finally burning in my eyes again and my smile is back on my face.

Finally, I have energy enough for living. I have time for life. I feel alive.

Many people feel sorry for me, for wasting away six years of my youth on the eating disorder, but I feel that I have been more lucky than many people. At the age of 19, I have learned to know myself. I know my limits and I know what I am made of.

I have fought a very hard battle, but I have also seen what strength I have inside of me. I have learned to appreciate all the things my body do for me, and I want to treat it nice. I am only 19, but I think I have learned many lessons other people never learn during their whole life, and most importantly I have learned to live in the present. I have learned to cherish each ray of sunshine that comes my way. I have learned that life is not so serious anymore. That there should be room for playing in it, for laughter and for fun.

But I won't go back there. Never ever. I have seen how it's like on the other side. And I am not willing to give up the colors in life, just so my scale can show me a low number. That's too high a price for too low living. I am not willing to pay that price. Not anymore. Life is so much more than the numbers on the scale.

Life can be fun!

Shinyflower

You can email me at lillebie@europe.com or visit my website at www.angelfire.com/co3/Shinyflower18/home.html