You Can Recover

I Recovered, August 8, 2002

I am here to tell you that you can overcome your eating disorder. I did it, and I did it alone. Here is my story.

It all started the summer after my freshman year, when I decided I would lose weight. I am 5'4" and weighed about 135. I was not fat, but I wanted to be thinner.

I started the sugar busters diet, and I worked out 4 days a week, doing kick boxing or sculpting classes at a local gym. I was so proud when I got down to 122 pounds, but I was afraid I wouldn't be able to maintain it.

After going out to eat one day, I felt extremely guilty for not following my diet. I ate pasta, a big carbohydrate no-no. I can remember going to the toilet, sticking my fingers down my throat and thinking, "I shouldn't be doing this, Why am I doing this?" I don't exactly remember the order of events after that, but I know in no time I was throwing up every meal.

I can remember at first, when I would eat and not be able to throw up after going to the grocery store with my mom. She would always ask me how could I eat so much and not gain weight, and I would play dumb and be like I really don't know. She would say,"I guess you really boosted your metabolism when you were on that diet." What really suprises me though, is that my father (a doctor) never noticed.

Vacations were always difficult, because in a hotel room I wouldn't be able to throw up because my parents could hear me, unless I took a bath and could run the water.

The disorder consumed my whole life. Before I could ever commit to anything, I always had to decide when and where I would be able to throw up.

I was obsessed with food. Anything fried, anything sweet, or anything in large portions, I loved. I stretched my stomach so much, it took so much to fill me up, and I would eat until I couldn't possibly eat anymore. It was ridiculous. I knew this was odd. I researched on the internet and found out that the constant churning up of the acid from my stomach caused these cavities. I knew I had to stop. It was like a huge flashing light saying "YOU ARE HURTING YOURSELF!"

I decided I would eat right and exercise, and that way I would still maintain my weight. WRONG! I gained weight, and just went back to my old ways.

On April 7th, my parents and I went to this brunch. When my mom got out of the car she began walking and passed out, falling on her shoulder and face. It was the scariest thing I had ever witnessed. My father was so angry. He knew something was up. My mom later explained that she had gone to the doctor and found out she had gained 7 pounds. Being the health-conscious person she was, she had over exercised and took laxatives and diet pills to drop those 7 pounds. My parents fought for days. My dad was so angered.

I would weigh myself on the scale each morning. I just kept putting on the pounds because I had messed my metabolism up so badly. I couldn't fit into my size 0 clothes. I started buying size 2s and 4s.

I fell into a little bit of a depression, now that I look back on it. Finally, one day, I decided I had to get off that scale. I couldn't let a number on a scale determine how I felt about myself for that day. I never weigh myself anymore. I have gained weight, but I have accepted it. I exercise regularly and eat healthy, but I don't have any forbidden foods, because that could always send me back into a binge causing me to purge.

Yesterday, was 4 months recovered. I have not had a single relapse, and I never feel like, "I wish I could throw up." I feel like I'm a stronger person now for fighting this, and fighting this alone. I have learned what's really important. It truly is what's on the inside.

--Anonymous