Picky Eater Around the age of 10 is when I started to develop a true eating disorder. Even before that, I always was a picky eater. I had to have my food on the plate look perfect. Everything about food had to be perfect, even the perfect sized portions. I wanted it all to look how it did on TV. When I was 10, I met a girl who was 7, and we became immediate friends. The only thing was, even though I was skinny, I felt she was skinnier, cute, and tiny. I wanted to be cute and tiny. She had perfect hair. Her outfits were always adorable and her nails were always neat, clean, and done. She use to make fun of me for starting to grow hair on my legs and underarms and I felt really bad about that, even though it was quite normal. The first time I purged, I was only 10 years old. My grandmother had made some spaghetti and wanted me to eat some, telling me I needed meat on my bones. She always tried to get me to eat. I remember going to the bathroom, lifting up the toilet seat, and sticking my fingers way back in my throat. It hurt a little at first but the food eventually came back up. I stood there and just stared at it for a moment before flushing it down the drain. And that's how my eating disorder began. It went on and off until high school. My freshmen and sophomore year were ok. I just tried to eat certain things. Everyone always told me how skinny I was and how tiny I looked. I took that as they were noticing my fat. I always hated how my stomach pooched out in my choir dresses. I would try to lift my tights way up to my chest to keep it in, as well as sucking in. In my junior year, for some reason, everything spiraled out of control. I don't even remember what started it all. All I know was that I had an obsession with being thin, but not as much as before. I had tried out for cheer leading and didn't make it. Three other girls had tried out, one was a very skinny African American girl, same as I. It's like something just clicked in my head, you can't eat. They don't want you because you are fat. They want people that they can lift and toss in the air. I just stopped eating right then and there. I woke up the next day and had a granola bar and green tea, went jogging on the treadmill, and had nothing for the rest of the day but tea. I did that for days and eventually went from 115 to 102 to 98 pounds. I was excited that I had lost so much weight. I started lying about things I ate, like leaving dirty bowls in the sink or leaving something out. So when someone asked me if I had eaten, I would say yes, even if it meant getting yelled at for leaving it out. My mom, after being informed by a close teacher of mine, checked my weight and I had moved the scale up a bit so it would say I was 110. When I got off, she noticed what I had done and that I was really 102. My mother would, and still does, get angry with me but she has somewhat learned not to care, and that I will not ever change. But somehow, I still want it her support, but I will never get it. The end of my junior year and all of my senior year were very hard. Instead of enjoying life as a senior, I started cutting so much and had so many suicidal attempts and thoughts that I'm surprised that I'm still alive now. I was placed in a hospital on a suicide watch and to help with my depression. It didn't help. It just gave me an excuse to not eat. I would eat an apple and some low fat milk and maybe, if I was really starving, some veggies but that depended on what I had for breakfast and lunch. When graduation came along, I didn't even get to walk because I had missed some days of school and was just too depressed to even do home work. I was getting F's in my most important classes. I didn't want to leave High School. High School was structure and I knew what I would be doing each day. It was like a protected place. The future scared me. To this day, I continue to binge, purge, or starve myself. I have so many cavities, root canals that need to be done, and tooth extractions. It's horrible. I've been to the hospital for panic attacks while at work from taking diet pills.
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