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My Ongoing Struggle With Bulimia

I never really had good eating habits. Every since I was little I craved sweets. I was a bottomless pit when it came to anything with chocolate or icing. Of course when I was little I never gained weight.

Around 6th grade I had always told myself I was much fatter than my friends but I didn't do anything extreme about it. I just told myself I'd be able to slim down once I was taller.

High school came around and I was still set on the idea that I was "fat." It all started the summer after my sophomore year in high school. I wanted to look good in the summer and even more importantly come back looking skinnier in the fall for my junior year.

Towards the end of summer I would only eat three bites of whatever meal or snack I had and the rest I would chew up and spit out in a toilet or just a plastic bag to throw it away later. I lost a good ten pounds by doing this and I felt as if I had been eating everything I wanted but I wasn't taking on the calories.

Since I lost the weight I told myself I could eat how I normally did again. I suddenly gained back all the weight I had lost and felt miserable once again. I worked in an ice cream shop so whenever it wasn't busy and if no one were around I would eat any ice cream I wanted. I also ate all of the candy and toppings that could be mixed in.

Eventually I just started vomiting every time I binged. I'd try to diet but as soon as I ate one bad thing I'd say to myself," I blew it! I can never do anything right. Oh well, I'll keep eating and just throw it up later.

At my worst point I threw up a few times a day. I could go maybe a week or two eating healthily but once again I'd start puking. I couldn't get over it. Then one night after eating way too much candy and ice cream yet again I stopped by the grocery store and bought glycerin suppositories which would make it come out the end. This didn't work because it stung and I didn't want to have diarrhea all the time. So, once again I was back to purging.

In the summer, after my junior year in high school, I finally felt as if I had overcome my problem. I went to my grandmother's house where there is always plenty of food to go around, especially all my favorites. I would try to eat a meal and sneakily go off in the bathroom and vomit quietly. No one ever knew. I finally quit at the end of the summer, but occasionally, I would eat something bad and have an urge to throw it up later. But this time I never would. I lost ten pounds naturally and felt much healthier.

My hair was still much thinner than normal but my acne started clearing up and my face started to look less puffy since I hadn't been purging. But it still came back. And it is what I am still doing to this day.

I'm a senior now. I still purge about three times a week sometimes even more but its only after a large binge. I want to tell my mom but I'm afraid. She would of course be the one to support me and maybe I could finally get help, but I'm afraid of hurting her.

I don't want any of my friends to know because I feel like eventually everyone would find out I have a problem.

Bulimia messes with your head; I still tell myself that I really don't have a problem or that I can just get back on track with a real diet. The truth is I do have a problem and I do need to get help.

I want to be healthy again and stop feeling so down on myself. It's not worth feeling so sick to lose a few pounds. I know this but I do need help recovering and for my first step I will tell someone close.

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