Nose Bleed

I really don't know where to begin. It's only been three months. I had a nose bleed today, while I had my face in the toilet. The other times I felt as though my eyes would pop out of my head.

I hate the way I can feel the back of my throat. I hate everything I'm doing to myself, but I can't stop. I don't know how. No, I do know, but I can't. I just can't. It seems so stupid to say that.

Just three months ago I was anorexic, but now, I'm a barfing bulimic. I'm ashamed of myself.

I can't tell anyone, not my parents, my sister, or my closest friends. How would they react? What would they think of me? I can't tell my school friends. They kind of encourages it. They never meant to do it, but a comment now and then just pushes me off the edge. "She's like a stick in a coat" or "you wouldn't be able to see her if you turned her to your side". Ouch...it hurts.

I let those comments slide at the moment, but now it's come back to haunt me. My family contributes to it too, without meaning to, they would never hurt me. "Why are you eating so little?" "Are you on a diet?" No, I'm not on a diet. I'm suffering. I need help.

I've considered many times to pick up the phone to call the kids help line or something, but being a coward, I can't.

I'm always ashamed. I tried testing myself, seeing how long I could go without purging. Two days? maybe three maximum.

I purged daily after I come home from school. If my parents aren't home, I eat until I can't taste anything I put into my mouth. If my parents are home, I'd sneak it under my clothes and bring it with me to the living room to eat in front of the television, but what about the wrappers? I would shove them into my jean pockets, run up to my room, turn on my stereo, go into my bathroom ("I'm taking a shower, mom"), hide away the "evidence" and barf until the cd in the stereo stops. Then I would take a shower and pretend everything's fine.

I feel disgusting. I never knew I could ever eat that much in my life. Hiding the wrappers doesn't help, it makes it worse. I forget how much I've eaten or what I've eaten.

I count calories. While I barf, I try to count the calories I've eaten and the calories I've just barfed out, and do the math in my head. Sometimes, actually, most of the time, I lose count because there's too much food to keep track of. I'm trying. I'm really trying.

Sometimes, I think my mom is suspicious. She asked me if I had a stomach ache, well, that's the easy way out, she's said it for me. "Yes, mom, I had a terrible stomach ache last night". I feel terrible for lying to her, but I can't tell her. No one can know.

The real reason I've become a bulimic is because I gained 10 pounds over the Christmas holidays. I couldn't stop eating. I was shocked when I weighed myself before school started in the new year.

Disgusted, ashamed, however, it seemed now that I've "expanded" my stomach, I don't even feel full anymore. So I binge.

The first time purging was so hard. It took forever to even get a spitful out. I swear it was only for that once. LIAR! I hate myself for lying to myself. I'll start tomorrow. No, I'll start the day after tomorrow, so on and so forth. I have to stop. I need to stop. I can't pretend that everything's going to be all right, because it's not.

My goal is to go without binging and purging for a month, starting today. If I can do it for a month, I'll get the encouragement and motivation to keep myself afloat.

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