Nightmare

I am 37 years old. I became bulimic after the birth of my second child, which was five years ago. I have been thin all my life.

When I was younger, my twenties were filled with dates, partying, and good times. I found it easy to simply not eat. I skipped meals to maintain my weight. I used to enjoy pigging out the day after a night on the town because I always starved myself the day before.

I gained a lot of weight during my pregnancy and I never lost it. I weighed 190 lbs. (I'm 5' 8") and was FREAKING out about it. I was 32, fat and ugly.

One day I really pigged out on mexican food. I was so full that I felt like throwing up, so I did. I felt so empty! It was like I had erased my pigout. It was so easy. I started throwing up twice a day and quickly lost 40 lbs.

Ironically, I cannot seem to get below 150 lbs. When I stick to a diet and do not throw up I lose weight. I just went 10 days without throwing up! That was a first. I lost 5 pounds. I blew it, and I have been throwing up 2-3 times a day for the past week. I would do anything to stop. It's unbelievably hard.

I am very fit and I workout at least 4 times a week. I am a successful business woman and have been told by many that I'm a perfectionist. My friends always tell me how good I look. If they only knew!

I think I am posting this because I just need to tell someone. I have never told anyone. It's my shameful secret. I just want to weigh 140 pounds and do it by not throwing up. It drives me insane that I can't seem to control myself. I often worry about overstressing my heart from electrolyte imbalance. Each day I say, "Today I will eat healthy and not throw up" but I blow it every day.

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