Fibromyalgia

My Journey

I can remember the sound of my shoes tapping on the floor when they gave me my diagnosis. I sat a lot like that in my doctor's office. Scrunched up in the chair with my foot tapping the floor, my eyes looking anywhere but at the doctor.

For me, that day, the tapping seemed so real than the doctor telling me what was to come. I remember staring down at my feet, sort of getting dizzy and tired. I had been to doctor after doctor for years, hoping for some sign of anything that could be treated. At least, I could have a name for my enemy. Chrons Disease. These years it doesn't seem so much like an enemy anymore. It has become more of a badge of honor.

I was 12 when I started having bowel problems. Then, the headaches, dizzyness, aching and throwing up started. At first it was only after eating, and then later it was almost constant.

In the beginning I weight about 110 pounds or so. By my sophmore year in high school I weighed 90 pounds. I was more than just scared about what was going to happen to me. I was in despair. I never slept, and school became a nightmare for me.

I missed so much school, that I was constantly stressed, with trying to make things better. I started passing out in the bathroom, falling down stairs, because I was to weak to hold my body up. People wouldn't even hug me, because they were afraid of how frail I had become. It was so lonely and so painful. I thought those years would never end.

It didn't just end there either. I was diagnosed with Fibromyalgia at 15, alongside with arthritis in my hands, knees, and shoulders. This was such a burden to hold.

I found I couldn't focus in school, my friends drifted away and I wanted to die.

I became terribly depressed and tried to commit suicide when I was 16. I took an entire bottle of pills that were supposed to treat depression. I thought maybe they would stop my heart or something. I didn't really care, I just took what I had and let go. Fortunately, I threw up immediately. So fate had it that I would live longer.

I am 24 now, and I am still here. I have all the same health issues, but it's not so bad anymore. There are so many more drugs out there that can help. So many more options than when I was 12.

Strangely enough, I found out last year that I am Dyslexic. Which would explain why I struggled so much with school. It makes me feel a little bit better about those years. At least my scrapping by wasn't because I was a failure. At least acedemically speaking. I would never say I am completely healed now. But the years have tempered my fears and I seem a little more patient with my treatments now.

I can't write well with my hands anymore, but I can still type. It seems really important to express how difficult it can be. Yet, how amazing it can be, as well, to have this disease.

I am so much stronger and happier now. Because, I see what kind of woman I am, what I am capable of, and who I can be. That is better than anything. That and the love of my family.