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Anorexia - Bulimia Story, Mom, Please Help.
By Karen
Phillips
Well, I guess it was 11 years ago that I started to notice something was not
right with Amy. She had just turned 13, when I caught her always looking at
herself in the mirror. She would ask me if I thought she had put on weight. I
told her of course not, she always looked just right for her age.
You know, I never even thought anything was wrong, I took it as just being
a teenage thing and really thought no more about it. I remember myself in
those teenage years worrying about my looks and going on diets and silly
stuff like that, it was what a lot of my friends did too.
I didn't even pickup, on the fact, that Amy would just play with her food at
the dinner table, and just shift it around her plate, eating very little.
Of course, I would talk to her about not eating her food, but she would say
she had a lot to eat at school, or at a friends place, or some other excuse,
and I would fall for it.
Now, in hindsight, I feel really guilty, as a mom, for not being more aware of
things at that time. I go through the "if only I had noticed back then
maybe I could have done something", but I didn't, and the 10 years of
living hell was about to begin.
Amy had always been a beautiful intelligent girl. Always thinking of other
people. Always nice and kind. When she was 8, she would always do things
for her grandmother (who had come to live with us), she would always ask if she
needed help cleaning or if she could do anything for her. She always
volunteered to take Grans' dinner to her and bring back the dirty dishes,
nothing was too much for her.
Amy was 12 when her grandmother passed away. We thought she would be
really upset, but she seemed to handle it, probably better that anyone,
even her younger brother Ben, seemed more upset. We put it down to the fact
that Gran had been sick for over 6 months, and we had explained to her, that
we thought Gran would not live much longer. Even at the funeral, Amy
did not cry, but seemed to be in full control, but again I was too upset at
losing my mom, that I did not really pay attention.
My God! What an idiot I was back then, how could I miss all the little
signals that Amy was sending me? Why didn't I see the warning signs, how
could I have been so stupid? They were all there to be seen, but I didn't
notice a thing.
I think what really sent Amy on the trip, that nearly cost her life, was
what to her, became a major disappointment when she was 13. Amy just loved
to dance, and she was good at it. She had a real passion for dancing.
She always wanted to be a dancer when she grew up, and if any
dancing came on TV, she would not miss it. Even if there was a family
outing or a birthday party, if dancing was on TV she would refuse to go,
until the show had ended.
I have to tell you at this point that Amy was not a typical little 13
years old. She was quite developed for her age with breasts and more of a
mature shapes to her body, more like a 16 year old than that of a 13 year old.
Most of her friends were still waiting to develop breasts and were still
the thin little girls with no shape. I didn't know it then, but Amy was
teased about her body by some of the girls at school, who would call her
fat and tell her she had a big bottom. Of course, this was not true, Amy
was just more developed, but to her she was starting to think she was
really fat.
It was November 18, 1996, that I believe was the catalyst for the 10
years of hell we were about to face. Amy had been practicing for months to
get into the school dance troop. It was the auditions for the Christmas
extravaganza and Amy wanted so badly to get the lead dance role. Two days
before the auditions she got ill and by the time her dance trials came she
was not in good health. She failed to get the lead role, in fact, she
danced so badly she did not even make the team. When she was leaving the stage I heard one of the girls who was successful say, "I told you, you're
too fat."
Amy was inconsolable, she screamed, yelled, and cried and cried. I tried
to console her by saying there is always next year, it was not your fault
you were sick, but nothing could make her stop being upset. All she kept
saying was, she had tried so hard, why was I not picked? Mom, I wanted to be
in the show, why did I not get in? I am too fat, they didn't pick me
because I am too fat.
Amy just sobbed and sobbed all night in her room there was nothing I could
do, absolutely nothing. I remember saying to my husband, John, that she will
cry herself out and in a couple of days she would be that lovable girl we
knew. How wrong this statement turned out to be.
I heard Anorexia described by another sufferer as, getting
on an escalator that you can't get off. It just keeps going, and you don't
even know how you got on it in the first place, all you know is the floor has
changed. You think you are in control at first, but then it takes control
of you, and there is nothing you can do about it. This is basically what
happened to Amy, I believe she got on the escalator the night of the
auditions, looking for something she could control, but only found the
devil.
Over the next 12 months, Amy seemed to be doing well. At school her grades
were up and she was near the top of her class. But she had completely
given up her dancing, saying to us that she wanted to concentrate on her
school work. Amy had always liked going to school even when she was
little, in fact she couldn't wait to get back to school during the term
breaks, looking forward to the new school year. So, when she told us she
wanted to do better at school we simply believed her, after all her grades
reflected all the effort she was putting in. We didn't realize that what
was really happening was she was withdrawing further and further into herself.
She wasn't eating much, and soon started to look thin and scrawny. I never
noticed her weight loss, as it was winter, and she wore bulky clothing that
covered her up. It was well into spring when she started to wear
thinner clothes, that I really saw the extent of the problem.
I started to worry about this, but when I would approach her she would tell
me she was just on a diet and not to bother her. It was at this time the
alarm bells started to go off in my head, she was starting to look really
emancipated. To me she looked like one of those photos you see of people
in the concentration camps, all skin and bone, her hair was lank without
luster or life. My God, I started to think what is going on here.
It was time for us to confront Amy, to see what in the world was happening.
We decided to wait until Ben, her brother, was not home. We wanted to
have a good talk with Amy, and thought it would be a more relaxed atmosphere
if he was not there. What transpired was anything but relaxed.
Amy did not want to talk, she exploded. Swearing and cursing me,
telling us that it is her life and if she wanted to diet she would. I said
to her, that she had no fat to lose ,she was just skin and bones. She pointed
to her shoulders telling me I was blind, look at all the fat on her
shoulders. I tried to point out that it was the bone in your arm, it is not fat.
She yelled and screamed, calling me an idiot, and just wanted us to leave her
alone, slamming the door in my face.
I was in absolute shock. Tears were streaming down my face. What had just
happened, I couldn't believe what I was hearing. John tried to open the
door, but it was locked. He yelled for Amy to open the door and he wanted
answers right now. All we got back was a tirade of abuse, he banged on the
door, but Amy just got worse and worse yelling and screaming. We could hear
things being thrown, things smashing, and Amy telling us to go away and let
her be.
I called my doctor to talk to him. I needed answers as to what was going on.
He suggested that I come and see him, and bring Amy if it was possible.
I made an appointment for the next day. When Amy calmed down, I asked her
if she wanted to go with me. She refused, saying why would she want to go
to see a doctor, there is nothing wrong with her. I wanted to say
something, but the events of that morning stopped me. I did not want a
repeat performance, until I at least knew what it was I was dealing with.
I attended the appointment with Dr. Thomson, explaining what had happened.
He asked me a number of questions about Amy, and then told me he was sure
that she had an Eating Disorder, and it was probably Anorexia.
Well! I nearly fell of my chair. I just could not understand how in the
world this had happened to Amy. I knew absolutely nothing about anorexia,
except what I read about movie stars who supposedly, had all these
kinds of problems through the stress of keeping thin for their careers,
but Amy was only a little girl. She didn't have these kinds of pressures,
how could she have anorexia?
Dr. Thomson recommended that we try and get Amy to see
a councilor as soon as we could. He told me people die because of
anorexia, it is a psychological problem not an eating one. That the eating
is a symptom of a bigger problem and we have to get to the bottom of the
problem to fix it. There is nothing he could prescribe, only getting her to
a councilor was her only chance, or she probably would die.
I sat there completely dumb founded, my little girl could die. I didn't
know what to say, my heart was in my mouth, tears were flowing down my
face, I was shaking and all color had drained out of my face. I could see
the concern in the doctors' eyes and he told me to relax for a
moment. She was only 14, how could she die? I went to see the doctor,
thinking he would tell me it was just a normal teenage thing, and not to
worry as she would grow out of it. Not to be told my baby could die.
We did get Amy to see a councilor, a very good one for this kind of
problem. For the next two years we battled Amy's devils and we thought we
were starting to get on top of things. It was during these sessions that
we found out that Amy had taken the death of her grandmother extremely
badly, and had bottled up all her emotions. Also, that missing out on the
dance performance and coming out on top and the bad emotions, was a major
turning point in Amy's life. To us, it was a mole hill, to Amy it was Mt
Everest.
During the next two years, I read and studied everything I could find on
anorexia. It was during this time, I started to think about the secret, I
was to put into action a little bit later, which was to change everything.
Amy seemed to be hanging in there, with the problem, and although she did
not start to have significant weight gain, she did improve, or seem to
improve, may be a better way of saying things. After about 15 months, Amy
started to eat more, we were overjoyed. She would even eat
more than her brother sometimes and he was a big eater. We thought at last
we were getting on top of this thing, and even though she did not put on
weight, we were not that concerned. We simply thought that after nearly four
years of virtual starvation, it would take the body a little while to
revert to normal metabolism.
We never even noticed that Amy had started to binge eat and then purge
herself, not only after dinner but after every meal. I was well aware that
this could happen, and I did keep an eye out, but Amy was very cunning and
sneaky. Going to the bathroom down stairs in the pool area, where she knew
no one would go. Of course, we didn't find out until it was too late.
It was August 24th, 1999, we had to go away for 3 weeks on business. We
received a phone call from my sister Betty, who was looking after
the house and the kids. She said that Amy had collapsed at home, and was in
the hospital, and we better get back, as things are not looking good.
Well! I totally panicked, I had promised myself that no way was I going to
let Amy die, and now, there was a strong possibility that it just might
happen.
The recriminations started to come thick and fast in my head. Why did I go
away? Why didn't I see what was happening? It is all my fault, what a bad
mother I am, I was worried sick.
We got to the hospital 12 hours later catching the first plane out. Amy was on a drip and looked very ill, my heart fell, I was so
worried, this was the worst I had ever seen Amy look. I feared we were
going to lose her. Amy was in and out of consciousness. I just sat there, and
prayed to God that he let her live.
The doctors told me her potassium level was 1.9, very low. Low enough that her heart could stop beating. This was the worst time in my
life To sit there and think you are about to lose a child, is the most
emotional, traumatic, thing you can go through, and my heart goes out to all
those who have sat in my position.
Amy pulled through I believe with the help of God.
Later I found out that Amy was vomiting up too 15 times a day over the 3
weeks while we were gone, and her system reacted to the abuse and she
collapsed.
Although, this was a very traumatic time for me and all the family, it did
have one very positive outcome. I formulated the method that was about to
change everything for us and more importantly Amy. It is not a quick fix
but with dedication, love, and hope, I believe it will work for everyone.
Contact me at: karen@mom-please-help.net
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