Just the right size

I was always considered being just the right size while growing up, but by the age of nine, I started to gain weight, so much so, that I would be told that I looked pregnant because of the little tummy I had.

I was too young to understand anything about weight so I didn't do anything about it at that time. Around the time I turned 11, I started to lose weight due to getting my period. By the time I turned 13, I started to put on weight again and since I was short, it showed right away.

I ballooned up to 150 pounds and boy, did it show. I would see pictures of myself and thought about how I could lose weight. I didn't want people telling me that I looked fat and pregnant.

I would hear about girls throwing up and losing weight, but never thought about the consequences. I remember when I was 15 and a freshman in high school. That is when I first started doing it. I would barely eat anything all day, until around dinner time, so that it would be easier to take it all out.

By the time I started my sophomore year, I was down to 105 pounds from being 150. It felt nice hearing people tell me how good I looked. So, of course, I kept doing it to maintain my weight. I did it for over 18 years and I finally decided to stop when I became hooked on diuretics.

I would take the pills until my body got used to taking 6 or 7 a day. I worked for a doctor's office and I would have to get blood work done every 6 months because they would make us get checked.

My potassium levels would be low and the doctor would ask me why. Of course I would say I didnt know. In 2005, I got my lab work done again and my potassium levels were so low that I was already at risk of having a heart attack.

They asked repeatedly what I was doing to myself until finally I confessed that I was taking diuretics to control my swelling. They explained the consequences to me and made me understand that I had a family to think about.

I decided that day that I would no longer do this to myself. I had 4 kids, 3 boys and 1 little girl. All I could think about was what they were going to think about their mother doing this to herself.

I had to stop. I decided to go cold turkey. I didn't take any pills and I stopped bingeing. I stayed swollen for weeks, had withdrawal symptoms, panic attacks, sweating, headaches and stomach cramps, and I thought I was going to die. I was afraid to sleep because I thought I would never wake up again. My heart felt like it was going to come out of me.

I think about it all the time, because I am going through the expense of fixing my teeth. I always had beautiful teeth while growing up, but I ruined them by doing what I did.

I am proud to say that I have now been able to maintain my weight on my own. I have not binged in a long time and I don't ever want to again. I don't want my daughter to ever go through what I did, so I am making sure that I talk to her about this disease.

I love myself that much to have helped myself. I did it on my own and hope that all of you who have this terrible disease can learn from my experience. You are beautiful, and don't ever let anyone tell you different.

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