Bulimia in silence

I knew about bulimia when I was 15, but I didn't start purging until later. I'm 27 now, and at the age of 25, I started throwing up and I thought, I'll do it this one time and that's it. Well, one time turned into 3-4 times a day.

All I know is that I felt in control of my body. Nothing else was going right in my life so I can control this one thing. I live alone so I can throw up all day and nobody would know.

Nobody has a clue about my bulimia

I'm 5'3 and 120 pounds. That's normal for my body so nobody would ever question it. I look in the mirror and I despise what I see. I hate the way I look. I had liposuction and I still look like a whale. I hate looking in the mirror in public. Everyone says I'm thin and anyone would kill for my body, but I can't imagine that being true.

I have these nasty rolls of fat. I just wish that I can wake up one day and stop all this pain and suffering. I wake up and say, not today, I'm going to stop. I actually stopped for three weeks. I took some diet pills and lost inches and thought I was finished with the vomiting, but after I got back from my vacation, I was back to my old ways.

Who was I kidding?

I want to get better but something inside me doesn't want to stop. It's the only thing I have to look forward to. I come home to nothing so this makes me feel whole.

I know this sounds stupid, but I pushed a few great guys away because I preferred the purging. I would always use my school work or something as an excuse to leave early or have them leave. All I would think about was eating and purging and thinking about how good it felt, better than them being around. I'd just rather be alone than have a boyfriend. I have all these guys that want to be with me, they say I'm beautiful and I don't see any of that. How can they see something that doesn't exist?

I want to stop eating and go down to 110, maybe that will make me feel better, but I love food so much I don't know if I can stop. I hate myself for doing this. Maybe one day something good will happen to me or come into my life and then I'll stop, but until then, all I have is this.

Janelle

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