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My eating disorder haunts me

I've never been so crazed and frightened in all of my life. I've ruined myself and everyone around me; everything is centered around my secret bulimia.

Vomiting has become my best friend, the only thing that will get me to where I want to be--thin.

I can admit it. I love food and I could never be anorexic or have the self-control that they possess. I could never limit myself and take away one of the only comforts in my life, so I use vomiting to control my eating.

I will eat the whole house down every week if time permits it, and I'll throw up every little thing I've eaten until I begin to dry heave.

I've become depleted of nutrients and deprived of essential vitamins. My skin has become disgusting, and my hair is breaking at the root.

I may be loosing fat, but I'm loosing everything that I already had that was beautiful, as well. I look at myself in the mirror and I judge my appearance and think, "I'm not thin enough to have an eating disorder, I'm still so fat."

So I try to put away the idea, but it haunts me every moment of the day. I know that vomiting after eating an enormous amount of food 3-4 times a day, every day, is ludicrous.

When I praise myself for going one day without vomiting or only doing it once, that's insane! I should be praising myself for good grades or doing something good for humankind, not for this outrageous lunacy.

I'm sick of myself and ashamed that I must give myself this title because it's what I am. It's not easy to rid of and it's terrible to think about.

I've kept this a secret for so long now and I doubt that I can free this, upon my many lost confessions. I don't know how to get help if I won't be willing to take it, if I can't even help myself say the words.

I can only help myself to an extra spoonful, an extra piece of food. I'm weak, sick, and disgusting and I just wanted someone else to know.

 

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