Growing up, I was always a little thicker than the other girls. I developed earlier than most as well. I come from a family of great eaters. we have all battled with our weight all our lives.
As a child I can remember being the 'fat kid' and I never fit in with the popular kids as I so desperately wished. I reached my heaviest weight in 7th grade, 173 lbs! Imagine being 12 years old and being that overweight.
The summer before 8th grade my family moved into a house with an outdoor pool. I lost about 30 lbs that summer and had my first boyfriend that next school year. That didn't last long, I imagine because I was scared and very insecure. I maintained a healthy weight throughout high school, though I was still considered "thick".
In college is where it all went crazy. I met a girl at work one year that had been a cheerleader at my high school. She was beautiful and fun. She was bulimic. I worshiped her. Soon I tried her technique. It started out as just an occasional purge and I had to stick my finger down my throat. I was working out too and soon I lost more weight. It was so much easier than dieting. By the age of 21 I had reached 125 lbs and I was getting so much attention from boys. I was finally popular.
I started dating this guy. He was great and loved me no matter what I looked like. He knew I had an eating disorder but never pushed me to get help. I got down to a very unhealthy weight for my height of 5'6". I was down to 115 lbs. I no longer had to try to throw up. It would just happen after every meal, small or big.
Several of my closest friends knew and constantly gave me hell for it. But I couldn't stop. I just skillfully covered it up to where they all thought I was recovering. I'm 30 now and still haven't found a way to stop. I know it's going to kill me if I don't get help.
A very real emergency opened my eyes to the severity of my problem. A little over a month ago my appendix ruptured. I believe the cause is directly related to my eating disorder. Still I haven't stopped. I'm living with a man now that I’ve been dating for over 3 years now. He has no idea to my knowledge.
I despise this eating disorder. It does rule my life. Every meal, every day. Constant thoughts of how I can get away with it and no one find out. It’s exhausting. People constantly comment on how skinny I am to be eating so much. I desperately want to stop. I want children one day. I dream of the day when I can eat healthy and not be consumed by the need to purge. To not have to worry about my weight. I am maintaining again at 125 lbs.
When will it end? The fear of being full?
One day soon I hope...
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