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How Will I Ever Beat this Evil Habit?
I think my eating disorder started when I was 14 years old. Like most, I started out with diet pills. Then I started with starving myself.
When I was almost 16, I began to purge. By the time I was 16, my dance teacher had warned my Mother that I was getting too skinny. My mom tricked me into going to the doctor for another reason. Back then, eating disorders were not really as common. The Doctor asked me "why don't you just eat." My Mom then put me in an in-patient hospital.
I was 5'3" at 76 pounds. The nurse took my blood pressure and temperature and could not believe I was still alive. I tried to trick the hospital into believing that I was over the Eating Disorder, however, I was not able to fool them. After staying there for 2 months, they finally gave me permission to leave, however at our staff meeting the next day, I was confronted that I was still struggling and faking my recovery.
After a few weeks of week-end passes, I was finally able to leave. I did great my first couple months that I was out but, then I had a relapse. Of course, I was still going to all of my OA and AA meetings(they had ED patients go to AA meetiongs back then). I just fell back into my old habits. To make that story short, I went back into treatment,this time for only a month.
I am going to be 36 years old in November. I am ashamed to say that I still purge daily. I am so good at hiding it. I have a beautiful 13 year old daughter and a wonderful fiancee. I love them so much, however I still vomit every day.
I have done the counseling thing and I know everything I need do. I just don't do it.
It's a habit like smokers deal with. I feel so guilty for having this disease, however I can not break this habit.
My daughter is not aware of my problem. I try my hardest to do it when she is at school, etc... I am afraid to tell her. They have learned about it in school and it angers her that women do this to themselves. I pray she will continue to think this way.
I have heard that if you are Anorexic and Bulimic there is a very, very high chance that your child will inherit this horrific disease.
I have been reading the stories on this site and there is something in everyone's stories that I can relate to. I am like all of you. Everyone thinks that I am normal, have may stuff together and would do anything to be in my shoes.
I did tell my fiancee. I thought he would leave me when I told him. Most men don't know how to deal with this, therefore they get out of the relationship but he is very supportive. He has never made me feel bad when I am going to the restroom to vomit. He never talks to me about it.
He just said, when I told him, that we all have issues and no one is perfect. I am grateful to have him in my life.
However, I am scared that I am slowly killing myself.
I am so afraid that my daughter will not have a mother to love her by the time she gets married and has kids.
I pray to God everyday to stop this, however he just keeps holding my hair back. I wish that I could look at food and eat normal. I wish I could break this evil habit.
Jodi
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