Cruel...My personal eating disorder story

Well, I am 18 and a senior in high school. My whole life I watched my mom struggle with her eating problems. She was very cruel with my weight and I told my self I would never allow something like that to control me.

I watched a friend fall into the same trap, but what I couldn't understand was why? She was perfect, smart, athletic and pretty. If she felt unworthy then how could someone like me...deserve to be happy? How could anyone love me?

So, these feelings took over me. I felt so ashamed, (I am a Christian) I shouldn't feel this way. But then how could God forgive me anyway..I was always failing him.

I stared to hurt myself. (not cut) but make myself stay in hot/cold places for a long time. Skip a few meals, stay up real late, and workout a lot. Just because I felt unworthy. 

I would skip meals for days. But one time I lost control and ate a lot and felt so bad that I threw up. (Unlike a lot of people) I enjoyed it. so I made it a goal to do that once everyone went to bed. But, what I didn't know was how much control it took from me. That's all I cared about.

I became angry, bitter and very sad! As time went on it got worse. Grades dropped, I stared to suck at sports and I hated God. I started to throw up 20 times a day. I became so fearful that I was going to die, that I never slept.

Call me a fool, but a year later I still struggle and someday's hate myself. But I told God about it and he is helping me through it. I just wanted to let anyone who is reading this (if you haven't left) that God dose love you and will help you if you allow him to. Food can't fix how you feel nor can it remove it. But God can, if you are willing to let him help you.

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