My Bulimic eating disorder, Bulimic and getting help earlier, Getting help earlier with Bulimia and worrying that I won't recover

Not Getting Help Earlier

Hi, I am 26 yrs old, and have been Bulimic for 7.5 years.

My parents divorced when I was 10. I was a chubby kid but a happy one. I don't remember much up until I was 5 years old, just that I was shy and quiet around others, especially at school. However, this did take a turn for me when I turned 5 or 6 Years old.

I was the 'cool' kid, I would hang around the other popular students. I stood out, this made me confident. It didn't last long though, when my parents went through a divorce, I felt I did too.

I remember always being daddies little girl, so I had a very close relationship with him even after the separation. This seemed to disturb my mother and her family a lot. They did not like my dad, or that I was paying so much attention to him. I was only 10.

My family had been pulled apart and I was living with my mother and sisters, of course, I was going to give more attention to my dad, simple because he didn't want to move out and now that he had, he was all alone. I felt sorry for him, but I was so naive that I didn't realize that he would use my love for him to get at my mum and her family. He would get tiny information from me and act on it, and of course this would get back to my mothers side of the family and who do you think got blamed? Me.

My father used me, and my mum and her family always badmouthed him to me. By this time I was stuck in the middle. I was under extreme stress and I had gained a lot of weight. I lived the next 6-7 years like this.

I hated myself, school, home, family, everything. I turned to food. I started pulling my hair out, strand by strand, until I made myself bold. I tried to seek help from the school counselors, but I was unsuccessful. All throughout this time, I was constantly picked on about my weight, at home and at school. I know my families intentions were good but they chose the wrong way to show it.

I graduated from High school and was accepted into a University. Before I was to start, I fell in love for the first time with a guy on the internet.

Despite many failed attempts at dieting, I woke up one morning determined to lose weight. My intentions were to meet him, but with a make over. I wanted to impress this guy not disgust him. I lost 20 kilos through a healthy diet and exercising. I started University by this time and I was feeling good about myself.

It was our Easter and all the sweets were tempting enough for me to let go. The guilt was unbearable. I had fought so hard to lose weight, and now, just because I had let myself go I fell off the wagon! I couldn't stick to the program.

I remember watching Home & Away and a character with Bulimia was temporarily on the show. My mother suffers from bulimia and I was always against it, but for some reason this tv program was enough to convince me. So, I started.

The first 5 years I lost a lot of weight, I am 177cm tall and weigh 60kg. I felt great, most of all being bulimic didn't bother me at all. My first love didn't work out, but I fell in love again and got married.

In 2005, I became pregnant. Giving up the vomiting throughout my pregnancy was hard, but I knew it had to be done. I convinced myself that I would lose the weight I gained after the birth of my child. So, I gained almost 40kg's. I was shocked, did I really eat that much? Was it my cravings for cereal day & night?

I tried not to binge and purge after the birth of my daughter, but I couldn't. Within 1.5 yrs I dropped down to 66kgs. But that 1.5 yrs was torment. I was at home 24/7 with my daughter. I became severely depressed. I started panicking about death and bulimia. I started to see the effects of being bulimic and for the first time I asked for help.

I am registered at a eating disorder clinic, it's still fairly new. I am struggling! Struggling to break the cycle. I have gained 3 kilos and I will say the thought of it almost paralyses me, but I know it has to be done.

Before I sought help, I had brought the purging down to once a day, compared to 3-4 times a day. There is of course the occasional slip to 2 times a day. With the treatment, I try not to vomit a few times a week or in a fortnight. It's hard, so hard.

Sometimes, I worry that I am not going to recover. I say I will not do it tomorrow, but fail as predicted. Now, I think back as to how I lost weight and became bulimic for a boy, when in fact, I should have dieted for myself and only in a healthy manner. I also believe I was happier overweight than I am now, and that saddens me even more.

My mistake was not getting help earlier. My family knew early on in the process, but they didn't do or say anything. I guess, maybe, because they didn't know what to do. They tell me how wrong it is now, but it all seems a little too late.

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