Focusing on my weight, I feel so guilty, Binging and purging to lose weight

Focusing On My Weight

Hi, I just turned 18 last July. My weight has been my focus nearly half of my life. However, my eating disorder was not fully developed until high school. It started when I entered my 4th year.

I was placed in a second to the highest section, so I was forced to study constantly. I experienced lots of tension and depressions from my classmates and teachers. My family was also a part of my problem and they're not helping at all. Whenever I came home from school, I woud eat a lot just to satisfy what I was feeling. Because of all the eating, I started gaining weight. It continued until I entered college.

I am a Tourism major. Realizing that my classmates where perfectly slim and thin made me start dieting. I bought a book called "volumetric's" and it helped a lot. That's when I learned about calories, metabolism, and counting them. I lost some weight but it wasn't enough.

Everyone is calling me either fat, chubby, or rounded. It made me feel like I didn't belong in their world. I envy my classmates slim figures and I wish that my body was like there's. Oh, I forgot, when I started my diet, I was the type of person who was always into yoyo dieting. Whenever I would lose a few pounds, I would rejoice and eat a lot, gaining back the weight I has lost. My dieting would never stop. I was always on a diet until I entered my third year of college.

One of the most horrible comments that I received from a classmate was when she called me a "pig". She's said I was wasting my time dieting, because whatever I did, I would never become as thin as she was. It shocked the heck out of me. I was deeply hurt and mad. At the same time, I couldn't comment back, because, well it's true, it just made me ashamed of myself even more.

I did make it, at first I bought two boxes of diet pills, (hiding them from my parents) that helps me control my eating, then I count my calories, take laxatives, and liquid fasts a week. I lost the weight quite rapidly. Almost all of my classmates noticed it, even my parents noticed. I reached the weight of being underweight. I feel so light and glad that I made it! Still I'm not yet contented.

I would talk to myself "a few more pounds to drop and then I'll stop, I'll return to a normal eating pattern again and that's it" but few and few pounds and I still continue my diet. I would exercise, drink just coffee for a day then walk and dance a bit. I am dropping pounds but not as fast as before. Before, I could lose two pounds in 3 days.

My attitude also changed. My temper shortened, my periods skipped, unstable sleeping patterns and worst of all it came to the point that whenever I would eat even a single nibble of food I would feel frustrated.

Sometimes I would binge. Then, what the heck, I blew it. So what's the difference in restricting my calories, controlling my cravings, and so on, if I can purge them. I learned how to throw up my food. At first it was hard, sticking my fingers down my throat just hurts, but I became use to it. So, whenever I binged, I'm felt confident that I could purge. With a few exercises, taking laxatives and two days of fasting is enough to make me feel light inside. But, it does not stop there.

Just to show my parents that I'm eating again, I started to eat huge amounts of food, then it came a time that after almost every meal I would purge. I'm binging so much that my stomach would stretch out. I remember when I ate two burgers, four ice creams on a drumstick, two stir fry noodles, a protein shake, two yogurts, a meal of rice and fry cooked foods with noodles. I ate that all in one seating and when I tried to throw it up, I couldn't do it. I guess I was too tired and exhausted. That time I failed.

I feel so guilty. I think to myself, if I didn't eat so much, I would not have a problem gaining weight and having a super bloated stomach. I couldn't help it, so I cried in the bathroom (I was in my dormitory that time alone).

It's a good thing that I overcame my binging habit and started losing the weight that I gained back again. I'm starting to feel good about myself. I'm back on the track of not eating and restricting my calories. I'm confused about being bulimic, because whenever I eat I binge, then I throw up, but not as often as before. Back then I could binge on every meal. All I know is, I'm still struggling from this eating disorder.

I thought I could be normal again. I thought I could be just like other people when it comes to eating, by just eating simply, but it's not like that.

I couldn't get support from my parents either, for they're also one of the reasons why I have this eating disorder. My mom is aware of my problem. She caught me throwing up on two different occassions. She threatened me that if I didn't stop dieting she would tell my dad, and if he finds out about it he'll kill me. She always blackmails me. She can't understand what I'm struggling with. So up until now, I'm still fighting this disorder. But like they said, once it gets you, it automatically eats up your life.

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