Unhappy and unperfect Bulimic, Bulimic and being happy, Controlled by Bulimia

Unperfect and Unhappy

I am 25 years old, and I have had an eating disorder since I was 13.

I modeled for a while, was the perfect cheerleader, the perfect tennis player, the perfect student, and the perfect beauty pageant contestant. Not to mention everyone has always told me how perfect I looked.

After eight grade everything got worse. I lost so much weight. I believe I was down to 79 pounds. I am only 5 feet tall and still only weigh about 94.

I am married and although my husband knows about my eating disorder, he doesn't seem to notice or talk about my bad days (which are every day). He is out of town right now and he still doesn't even ask me about how I am doing.

I do especially bad when no one is around. I am a school teacher, so you think, I would practice what I preach to my students, which is to love themselves for who they are. If only I could love myself for who I am. Instead of having this need to be more perfect.

With summer here, I am worse and am finding it hard to deal with my feelings. I lie to doctors and stay in the weight range where they want me to. I always make it sound like things are great and that I am doing better. If they only knew how many times I binge and purge a day.

When I am not eating to purge (which is every meal), I abuse my ritilin and drink to feel full so that I don't eat.

It is sad how everything has come to this. You would think I have it all a great job, which I love, a wonderful husband, a nice home, and still the looks that every one says is perfect. But if they only knew how unperfect and unhappy I really am.

If I could only be honest and tell what I really feel. If only that day would ever come! If only I could have the chance to take back the day everything started to happen. I often wish I could control the bulimia that is still controlling me after all these years. But no one knows.

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