My eating disorder, When will my eating disorder end, Will my eating disorder end

When Will This End?

I am a mother of three wonderful babies ages 4 ,2, and 1. I live in central Florida. I have had three previous girls who are 14, 12, and 9 who were taken from me. I had a miscarriage at five months and one forced abortion at twelve weeks. I have been struggling with my illness now for many many years.

I link my illness directly to childhood physical and sexual abuse. I do not remember who abused me or why they would even think of doing it to a child.

I had a very lonely childhood, being the only child of immigrants in NYC. When I turned nine years old, I had my first period and started puberty. I grew fast, so body image became a big thing for me. First came the starvation period. Later would come the purges. As I grew older it became a way for me to control the feelings of depression and lost of control over my own life.

I worry constantly about eating too much. My current husband tells me I am eating to little. I weigh 132 pounds and I found that number very scary for me, even though I know it is an ok number.

I don't like the feel of the food in my stomach once it is there. Sitting there, leaching out all it's toxic fat cells on me. So, in a panic, I consume alcohol and water or anything that would make it come up. Or I savor the bite of food that is in my mouth for a little while and spit it out.

I don't know how to stop, my daughter is watching me. She's two, and she has already begun to spit her food out. My son, who's four, when's he's upset he gags until he throws up.

I know it sounds selfish of me. I try, I really do. But it is hard. Once I start eating it feels so good, so yummy, the rich flavors. Once it is in my stomach, it turns into this lump of fat and calories, and I feel so guilty, so bad. Sometimes, I force myself to go for a walk or to do other things. I don't know what I will do! I'm 31. When will this end?

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