Lacks Self-Esteem

I don't even know where to start. I guess, I started to have this low self-body image of myself this summer and I don't even know why.

My dad died when I was twelve years old and we moved from where we were living when I was 15.

I started skipping meals. I would skip breakfast and lunch and just eat dinner, and then exercise compulsively at night. Over the summer, I exercised even more and lost about 15 pounds without even realizing it. I can't believe I didn't realize it.

I was away over the summer, and in the last few weeks it became easier and easier for me to limit what I ate, because we were basically finishing off the food that was left from the last import.

I would have a small handful of lettuce with no dressing, about an square inch of cottage cheese, a few slices of olives and a few cucumbers, and eat some crackers late at night.

When my mom took me home, she eventually told me she was worried about me and said I looked like I had lost a lot of weight, and the sad part was I didn't even know it. In fact, I still thought I was fat.

When we went out for lunch I always asked the questions,"Do you think I look fat?" "Do I look like I'm gaining weight?" "Do you think I ate too much?" "Am I going to get fat?" "I can't believe I ate so much, I hate myself" and so on. This went on for months until I dropped another 5 or so pounds.

My mom really started to worry about me. I had gone from 120 pounds to 94 pounds in just a few months and my mom, my brother, and people at school wouldn't stop telling me how thin I looked. My brother said I looked anorexic in front of my mom's friend at dinner, because I wouldn't eat any bread.

My mom watched me like a hawk at dinner one night and said "if you keep this up you're going to have to be put into the hospital." People always say to me "why do you always eat salad for lunch? You're so skinny!" and so on, and I tell you, it doesn't help very much. In fact, it makes me feel worse about myself.

I hate eating in front of people, I've gone from being a pretty self-confident person to someone I don't want to be who lacks a lot of self-esteem. I want to stop this so badly, you don't even know, this self-hating nonsense I've subjected myself to and I don't
even know what's really caused it.

My New Year's resolution was to eat healthy but not restrict myself so much, to gain about 5 pounds or so and to exercise in reason, but it looks like resolutions don't last for very long.

I wish there was something I could do to change this, but I just don't know how. Maybe one day it'll just click with me to just accept myself for who I am and to stop comparing myself to how everyone else looks.

It always seems like no matter how hard I try, my arms always look fat or my thighs look fat or my stomach is bulging. I hate myself for doing this.

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