I Was Skinny As a kid I was always skinny... awkwardly skinny. I could eat whatever I wanted, and was very proud of it. But when I got to college and stopped swimming for 3 hours a day things began to change. The dining hall has become my worst enemy. First semester things were normal. I exercised when I wanted to and ate whatever I wanted, including ice cream and cookies. And then I noticed that I had started to gain weight, and it was absolutely traumatic. Then, one drunken night I learned that I could make myself throw up by sticking my fingers down my throat, and it seemed like a gift. I would eat pints of ice cream and all of the fatty foods in the dining hall that you could imagine. I would eat till I was so nauseous that I couldn't stand up. And then I would go use my "gift." Eventually, I developed quite creative ways to cover it up. I would go outside to the bushes, or take a garbage bag in the shower with me. I wasted so much of my life thinking about food, and where I could next throw up. Now, I'm starting to realize that it wasn't actually about the food. It really is about loneliness and boredom. I don't feel like I have a best friend anymore, but that is both a cause and result of my struggle with bulimia. I hate opening up to people, therefore they won't open up with me. I'm always comparing myself to others, and wondering "why not me?" I know that I need to tell someone in order to get my life back on track, but I don't know who to tell or where to start. I was always a genuinely happy-go-lucky girl, but now I've forgotten who that girl was.
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