What I See

I am an 18 year old college student. I am a really funny laid back person. I am known as the clown of the clan. I am always the one joking around and making people laugh. I use to be very active. I played varsity soccer, ice hockey, and tennis in high school. I tried out for these sports during my first year in college and I did not make it. I think this is what triggered my eating disorder this time.

Before college, I had an eating disorder. I have had the eating disorder since I was 14.

I have a sister who is three years older than me. I was always compared to her. She was the smart, pretty, driven one and I was the one that had her athletic ability. I guess you could say that the constant reminder of this really wore on me and I needed some control.  Eating was really the only thing I could control.

It started with me restricting my diet. During school, I would not eat until dinner and when I did, it would only be a very small portion. I would skip as much as possible.

When school was not in session, I would go for bike rides or runs during lunch, so I would conveniently miss the meal. I got a lot of exercise in during my three season year. I was constantly running and lifting. That is when the weight just fell off.

My parents never really noticed my weight because my closet did not include very many revealing outfits. I was a hoodie and sweat pants girl all the way. Sophomore year was really bad, I started the whole binge/purge scene and discovered the wonders of diet pills and laxatives.

I was losing weight but not feeling the greatest about myself. I can remember looking in the mirror and just being disgusted with the reflection. I don't think there was one day in high school that I was completely satisfied with what I saw. The following summer, I ended up spending a summer with my aunt who was a recovered bulimic and was put into the hospital.

I struggled with it off and on during the rest of my high school year. Coming into college I wanted a new start. I began school with a good attitude and all was good. But the stress of freshman year and dealing with a whole new assortment of people really began to bare on me. I fell right back into my old habits.

I am still suffering with bulimia today. Every day is a constant struggle to get better and to be satisfied with what I see in the mirror. I probably will struggle with this for the rest of my life. Many go through this, so I know I am not alone, but it is only going to get harder. It is a day by day process. I take each one as it comes and hope for the best!

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