This Is Madness

I feel like this is something that I really want to share and write about. I'm 20 years old and for the last six years I have been suffering from tenancies towards bulimia nervosa. I have not been officially diagnosed, but I'm pretty sure that I could classify myself as being bulimic. It's funny because I didn't realize it until it got to become so serious.

It started when I was fourteen. I decided to go on a crazy crash diet/fast. I managed to lose a lot of weight in a short period of time, dropping from 126 pounds to somewhere below that (I never weighed myself).

My hair thinned, my skin was blue and I was constantly cold. My hair has never been the same since.(I now have extensions) It was then that I discovered that if I stuck my two fingers down my throat to induce vomiting, I could literally have my cake and eat it. I cannot believe how wrong this notion is.

I am a very bright, intelligent, girl. My family is amazing. I come from a privileged background. I achieved straight A's throughout school. I'm getting the college degree I want at an Ivy League University. I am excelling beyond belief. I'm getting the chance to study abroad next year. WHY do I do this to myself?

After this period of starvation, I managed to regain the weight and now I weigh 126 pounds. I didn't make myself sick for a few years. But I have always been plagued by my obsession to be skinnier and more perfect.

When I was 18, I gained about 12 pounds, due to stress in my final year of school. I couldn't get over how big I was. I fasted to get the weight off and went back to 126 pounds. I stabilized at 126 pounds through my first year of college. I would very seldom throw up during this time. Very rarely.

This year I moved in with a classmate who is very competitive in every way shape and form. Looks, clothes, money, education everything. I compare myself to her constantly. I automatically lost 14 pounds by living with her during first term. I was restricting to about 500-600 calories a day.

The beast has been unleashed again. My lowest weight this year has been 105 pounds, due to periods of deprivation, starvation, and restriction. When I'm not fasting, I'm binging or purging. Sometimes everyday, sometimes with a weeks break, sometimes excessive exercise. Now I can't seem to stop.

Everyday I wake up and pledge that this will be the last day that I will vomit. I've had to permanently move away from home to help curtail these tenancies, but it doesn't stop there. I really want to be 98 pounds before college...

This is madness....

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