Lack of Self Esteem: Bulimia and how I have no self-esteem

Bulimic and Depressed

I love it. It's sad but it's true. The only reason I hate bulimia is because I know it's wrong. It is another way to cope with my depression.

I was a non-purging bulimic since the age of 13. I tried to be anorexic. I hated myself that I didn't have enough self control to do it. So, I hated myself and my body. I thought I was fat, disgusting, and bile.

When I was 16, I started drinking, which led to cutting. I was going to kill myself. I was really depressed. I hated my life. I hated me. I didn't even think I was worth hating, that took energy, no, I was just worthless.

Now, I am 17, and I just discovered how to make myself puke. I hate puking, but now I love it, because now I can eat as much as I want. I can eat it all and not get fat. But still, I am not skinny enough. I guess it's a lack of self esteem, but it's been like this forever, how could it ever change.

I had recovered from depression, but now it's creeping back in. That's just one more demon for me to fight. It makes me want to just die all over. I know I should talk with a therapist, or someone, but I am embarrassed and I really don't want anyone to take it away from me. I know if I just leave it, it will control me, well it all ready is. I guess I'm pathetic and I know I might be messed up.

I am sorry if you are reading this because the honest to GOD truth is, I love binging, and now I know how to purge it out, just like I loved cutting and drinking. Everything I love is not good for me.

Right now, I have just binged and I am fighting myself. Telling myself, I shouldn't go into my bathroom or turn on the water and tickle that spot in the back of my throat until the sweet vomit comes up. Except, I already know what side will win.

I hate food and I hate myself. I have wished for a long time to be normal, but I don't think I ever will be. I'm the messed up kid. And the funny thing is, I am not even that bad. I do not do drugs. I don't party, but mentally I am just trash.

Fortunately, I am in love with an absolutely amazing person, and for the first time in my life they love me back, no matter the scars or the hurt I have caused.

I can't let go, I can't let it overtake me because I have a reason to be here, even though every other part of me just wants to let go. I won't give up. If you're reading this long story don't be in dispare, I won't give up. GOD bless!

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