In Big Trouble Hello, I'm 19 and I have bulimia. Even though I'll go days without eating, I always end up binging and purging, and it's one of the most shameful things to go through. When did it start and how? I ask myself this everyday. I have had body image issues ever since I can remember. I remember comparing my body to everyone around me all the time. Even at 7 years old. I was never happy with who I was. I always wanted to be just a little lighter, a little smaller, a little prettier than the next person. I was at a normal weight all my life, but I didn't see it. I just didn't know how to see it. I hated, hating myself, and it can become very debilitating. I struggled with dieting through elementary school when I thought I needed to be thinner. No one knew. Then my peers would make fun of me because I was eating celery and carrots for lunch, when they were eating their peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. I didn't lose any significant amount of weight though, because I would eat bad foods in secret, and just healthy foods when I knew people were watching. In middle school I became more aware of my weight. I tried all different diets with my friends. Because at the time, everyone was dieting. I tried the Atkins diet with my friend for a while and freaked out over eating one carb too many. But again, my weight moved no where. In the 10th grade is when it happened. I met this girl during our lunch period and we became great friends. After lunch she offered me a diet pill. I had never seen one, let alone taken one. She said it would suck the fat out of the food I ate. I was thrilled I had found this new miracle pill. I went home and researched more on it, and disregarded the potential side effects, if it meant I would lose weight. Around that time, I remember writing a food plan for the next week. A severely restricted one. It consisted of about 20 calories a day. I didn't tell anyone, and I felt high and so in control. It continued like this off and on for a few weeks. Then I said to myself, I could speed up the process by not eating altogether. If I hid it well enough, and I did. I lost 25 lbs. in 3 weeks. My grades suffered. I was sleeping in every class. I had no energy, and I always felt nauseous. I even had to leave my history class to puke in the bathroom, it was only stomach bile and it hurt. I felt really light headed. I needed to go home. I wasn't used to feeling this way. I called my mom and she took me home. At this time, I was enrolled in a taekwondo class, 4 days a week. That suffered too. One day I got really scared. My dad was the first to notice my weight loss. I was on my way to a friends house and he asked if I had lost weight. He said I looked good. I was so proud of myself. I wanted to lose more. Then people at my karate class noticed, then I though, well this MUST be working, why should I ever stop. My taekwondo teacher told my mom that I was losing too much weight, and she said she had been noticing as well. I started to worry. what if they made me gain weight? So I decided I would eat in front of them and purge in secret. Shortly after that I became a vegetarian. During the next 5 years I got consistently worse. I remained at my usual weight but was binging and purging like there was no tomorrow. Each year got worse. I never thought anything was wrong. I just thought I was being good, and not a selfish pig. I learned I was bulimic after researching online about my behaviors. I didn't care at this point. I am now 19. I always thought I would be fine, and I could stop when I felt like it. Wrong. Bulimia has a nasty way of taking over your mind. and warping it. I have yellow teeth, and they are slightly cracking and chipping. My hair has gotten significantly thinner. I can't eat anything without purging, not because of calories so much, but my stomach has gotten so accustomed to it, it has forgotten how to digest. My acid reflux is terrible now. I have lost muscle tone [I was a gymnast in middle school and my earlier high school years.] I no longer have that muscle, thanks to being a vegetarian, and not doing it properly. I didn't eat protein for 4 years. Now, I have to take supplements and I have to fight not to purge them. I am not only afraid of weight gain but muscle gain. I want to be skin and bones, and I KNOW it's wrong, but I can not help it. I couldn't possibly list all the reasons why I wish I could change those years, where I though this was an easy way to lose weight. I don't see myself ever recovering, as long as the voices are there, but other people have done it, so you never know. Anyway, that's my story.
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