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My Smile
My name is Andrea. I am 26 years old, and a recovered anorexic and bulimic. I struggled with depression and severe body image issues for ten years, and with eating disorders for six years, and this is my story.
When I was about thirteen years old, a girl who was two years older than me said that my smile was ugly, that my face looked weird when I smiled and then she started to laugh. She said this in front of other people. I was very confused. I did not know what to say, so I blushed.
I had never paid much attention to my smile until that day. When I came home from school, I looked at myself in the mirror. I smiled. I used two mirrors and looked at my smile at different angles. I stared at myself for hours and came to the conclusion that this girl was right. My smile was ugly! I looked ugly when I smiled. And on this day, I decided not to smile anymore.
It took me almost ten years before I learned to love my smile again. On the pictures that were taken during those years, I hardly ever smiled. This happened about three years before my eating disorder developed, but it was the first step towards disliking and hating my face, and eventually my body.
Around this time, my skin started to get blemished and I developed acne. I already did not like my face because of my 'ugly' smile and having blemished skin made me hate my face even more. I tried everything that was on the market to get rid of my skin problem but nothing helped me. I became depressed and cried a lot. I started wearing make up to cover up the red spots on my face. I would not leave the house without putting it on - so ashamed I was of my face. There were times when I did not go to school because of my skin. I didn't want anyone to look at it. I did not like people looking at me, at my skin. I did not want them to look at what was 'wrong' with me.
My parents did everything in their power to help, support and comfort me, they were always there for me. I had times where I cried almost every day and locked myself in my room. I just wanted to be alone. I would lie on my bed, look at my face in a mirror and cry. I don't think many people knew about these struggles and how big of a problem my skin really was for me. I was a very sad teenage girl on the inside, but did not show this to other people. I pretended to be strong.
At some point, I must have been around fifteen or sixteen years old, I had this thought in my head that I had to lose some weight around my hips. I was never overweight by any means. I was always pretty slim, but not slim enough.
I began experimenting with diets, but I was still in control of my eating habits. At this point, I didn't even know what an eating disorder was. I don't know exactly when my eating disorder started and my dieting ended. I just slipped into it, and over time I developed anorexia.
After graduating at the age of 18, I went to a University. And it was at this point that my eating disorder started to take complete control over my life, as well.
I started binging in order to try and fill the emptiness inside of me. I would eat till my stomach started to ache. I felt disgusted by myself and what I was doing. I was very ashamed and embarrassed of my behavior. For the longest time I did not tell anyone about my problem and struggled on my own.
I eventually opened up to my mum. I gave her a book about how to deal with someone who struggles with an eating disorder, and I wrote a letter to her as well. She took me in her arms and comforted me. I was crying a lot on that day, but I was glad I told her. My eating disorder didn't get any better after the conversation I had with my mum, but at least I knew now that I had someone to talk to when I needed help, comfort, and support.
For the following years, I continued my self-destructive path of bulimia. But no matter how much food I ate, I was not able to fill the emptiness that I felt inside of me. I spent most of my time alone, either eating or trying to get rid of what I had eaten.
I lead a lonely and sad life and I had little hope about ever getting better. I cried almost every day, sometimes even a couple of times a day. I felt completely hopeless. I wanted to get better and be happy and healthy again, but I did not even know where to start my journey towards recovery. Besides, I was not even sure if there was such a thing as 'recovery'.
My turning point was when I met a wonderful man from Canada, who is now my husband. I was 21 years old when we met in London. We immediately had a special bond between us and it seemed as if we had known one another for a long time. It felt wonderful to be close to him. I felt safe.
In the beginning, I didn't tell him about my eating disorder. I was afraid that if he found out he would leave me. I was afraid of being alone and all by myself again. When I was around him, I would eat "normal" and it felt good. For the first time in years I felt "normal". I decided to move to Canada with him, which in the long run really helped me with my eating disorder.
I still binged, but I was not able to do it as often anymore because I would only binge when I was alone and since Brandon and I lived together, we spent a lot of time together. He never noticed my binges. I did not want him to find out what was really going on with me.
It took a couple of months till I was ready to tell him about what was going on with me. He hadn't even noticed and I think he was quite surprised when I told him. He took me in his arms, gave me a kiss and said that we would get through this together and that he would always be there for me and do whatever it took to get me healthy again. I started crying. It felt like a heavy weight had been lifted off my shoulders.
Brandon believed in me, in us, and that together we would be able to beat this disorder. For the first time in years, I felt that maybe recovery was possible for me, and today, I am healthy. I am grateful for my body and love myself and my life. And I am thankful that my body has not given up on me after many years of abuse.
My journey to recovery was difficult at times and I had to take one day at a time. I had set-backs, I had a lot of them. And every time I fell, I got up again and continued on my journey. I did my best not to look back, but forward. Brandon was always there for me and with me, every step of the way.
My husband also taught me to smile again. He always told me I looked pretty when I smiled and that I am a beautiful girl. I did not believe him at first. but over time I was able to see that I was a beautiful girl, inside and out, with a beautiful smile. Now, I actually love my smile.
I am so thankful for having Brandon in my life. He was always there for me. He always believed in me and never gave up on me. His love and support were what I needed to find the strength in me to beat this disorder.
I want you to know that recovery IS possible. Please don't give up on yourself. You can get through this! I know. I did it, and so can you!
You can learn to enjoy your life again. Please keep on believing in yourself and continue to be strong. Food and your body are not the enemy, even though it sometimes feels like it. Please keep in mind that eating disorders are not simply about food and weight but are an attempt to use food and weight to deal with emotional problems. Eating disorders are just the symptoms of something deeper going on inside.
Recovery is a process. It takes time. Recovery does not happen overnight. Your eating disorder started years before you first binged, purged, or starved yourself - and it will take time to overcome this disorder.
There is also no rule for how long it takes for someone to recover. We all have different stories to tell, different reasons why we developed our eating disorders, and we are at different points in our lives and have different support and recovery tools available.
Please don't put too much pressure on yourself. Be kinder and more patient with yourself. Learn to be proud of yourself for what you have accomplished so far. And no matter what happens or what you do, please never give up on yourself. Keep on fighting, and always remember -- recovery is possible, also for YOU!!!
Andrea
PS. Feel free to get in touch with me through my recovery web site at
www.youarenotalonebook.com.
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