Not Otherwise Specified Living with an eating disorder is sort of like gambling with the grim reaper. You never know if you're even going to wake up the next morning, but a part of you is so beaten down by some emotional trauma that you hardly even care. My mother was frantically asking me what had happened to me, but I had no memory of anything. All I knew was that my vision was fuzzy and my whole body was tingling. I later went to the ER that day. I had experienced syncope (fainting with no recollection of it). My potassium was low. That is when I knew, it had gone TOO far. I was a mere 113 pounds, occupied space around my 5 foot 8 inch frame, but my mind was empty. My eating disorder had brainwashed me and stripped me of everything that I ever was. The truth was, as I stared at my gaunt appearance in the hospital bathroom, I missed the vibrant "fat" girl that I used to be. I had ALWAYS been slim in my figure, but In my mind never slim enough, even at 130 pounds. I was always being told that I was "too thin" but it never registered. Now, I missed that girl more than ever. That happy, joyous girl, who ate whatever she wanted whenever she wanted. I may have been more average looking, but at least I was healthy and happy. As you know, recovery doesn't happen overnight, but it's a process. I've gone from purging ten to twenty times a day, to maybe once every other day. I'm learning to find different coping methods for stress and depression, and I am relying on OTHER people to tell me whether or not I'm too skinny or if I'm on the right track. Although, I am still not fully "Recovered" by far, I have made some pretty great lengths. Someday (soon) I am confident that I'll be fully recovered, but if anyone out there is suffering from anything like this, please, tell someone. You never know how fast this disorder can steal your life away. If you would like to know more about me, my story, or if you just need to reach out to someone, e-mail me :) bronzegoddess@verizon.net |
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