Anorexic For Ten Years

I was anorexic for ten years. As a little girl, I was raped repeatedly by my father. I wanted to look as disgusting as possible, so that no one would think to hurt me like that again.

At the age of 15, I weighed less than eighty pounds. I have grown up in foster care, and was just recently adopted by my parents; the best ones in the world. They have never hurt me.

When I looked in the mirror, I never saw what others saw. They saw someone that was too thin and bony. I saw someone that was overweight and disgusting.

I never controlled anything in my life; everyone else had control over me. I chose to control my eating disorder because no one else could control that besides me and besides, I knew that the foster parents whom I was living with at the time, would not care at all; they would not even notice. All I ever used to hear is that I needed to get some exercise and I was too fat. Since I thought this too, I had no reason to argue the matter with them.

After I moved in with my parents, I started out on my long and treacherous road to recovery. Two years later, I still struggle with my self-image and my lack of confidence in my body. I am involved in track in my senior year of high school, and it makes me feel great. I know that my coach is watching me, just to make sure that I am not starving my body of the many nutrients it so desperately needs.

I love the way my body feels, but at the same time, I still look in the mirror and do not always like what I see. But now I know that other people care and I realize that I can never go back to where I was before.

I eat a lot more now, and I am trying to help my younger sister, because she is also anorexic. It is really hellish though, because I see so much of myself reflected in my little sister's skin-and-bones body and I feel like a hypocrite. My sister is my life; I raised her for the first 4 years of her life and I was three when she was born. I love Sheila to death and I don't want her to hurt like I did, so I try to help her as much as she will let me.

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