Anorexia, What Triggered it?

Who knows what triggered it? Was it the fact that my parents lived in the same house but didn't speak to each other, leaving me in the middle? Maybe it was the fact that my mom had a weight problem, and she was constantly dieting and talking about how she would be so much happier if she weren't overweight.  It could have been the high school boy who made some rude comment about the size of my butt.  Maybe it was because I was 17, and a little scared about becoming an adult and dealing with the real world.

Mostly, I blame myself for buying into the "thin is in" fallacy and for not dealing with my problems themselves. It started innocently enough. Cutting out the junk food and sweets. When that showed results, I was thrilled and I got addicted to the feeling of "success" when the scale showed a lower number each day. 

So, I took it farther, eliminating almost all fats, carbs, and any other food I deemed evil. And then when I hit a plateau, I increased my exercise. At my lowest, I was 90 lbs at 5'8". 

My periods had stopped and I feared never being able to have kids. I was cold all the time. The funny thing is that no one really seemed to be worried about it. I think I really was seeking some kind of attention and I wasn't really getting it. Maybe that's what made me turn the corner to recovery.

I slowly started increasing my food amounts and started going out to eat with my friends again. I still favored the "healthy" foods and continued to exercise, but health became my focus rather than being thin. 

By the age of 23, I had reached 115 pounds, still thin, but a big improvement.  My periods returned.  I met a wonderful man and we got married when I was 25.  I still needed infertility treatments to ovulate but I was very lucky and gave birth to 2 wonderful baby boys.

At 49 and 125 pounds, I still feel anorexia's impact.  I purposely don't weigh myself very often so I don't get caught up in the numbers. I am still very conscious of what I eat and my exercise routine, but I sometimes make myself eat something "bad" and skip the gym just to remind myself who is in control.  Other than some borderline osteoporosis, I have not had any health issues that I am aware of.  I feel very lucky that I had enough strength and common sense to stop the madness.

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