Vanessa's Story: A love hate relationship with Bulimia, Vanessa's Poem

Vanessa's Story

Things for me growing up weren't always easy. I used food to cope with the pain of my parent's nightmarish divorce. In high school, I would restrict so much so that I caught the attention of my basketball coaches. They said they couldn't let me play, because they were afraid that I was going to pass out on the court. Eventually, I learned a new way to cope. I could eat whatever I wanted and still hurt myself. I wrote a poem about my struggles.

A love/Hate Relationship with Bulimia

You control my thoughts.
I think about you everyday.
You are there in times of need.
Maybe not so much in the best way.

So, I know I have to let you go.
But I really want you to stay.
Who will I be without you?
What will I do to make the pain go away?

Why do I resort to you?
I guess I keep hurting myself and mistake it for bliss.
But there is no happiness in vomit,
Just ugliness.

You misshapen piece of regurgitated food.
You stare at me and I stare right back at you.

I look in the toilet and its not enough.
There is still more left in me.
I am not hurting quite enough.

I feel a little dizzy now.
I feel a little weak.
I try not to make a peep.
As I clean up my mess and close the bathroom door.

No one will know.
I act like I am fine even though I don't feel so well.
I can't walk straight.
But hey, no one can tell.

How do I stop?
When I don't want to at all?

I am still trying to find the courage to stop. My best advice for those out there is to never begin.

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