Yes, I Can Relate

On and off my entire life. My weight has fluctuated, from thin to really thin. I'm not as thin as before, in fact, I'm much heavier.

I am 6 feet tall and I find myself comfortable being a little under weight. The only problem is, I have lost much of what I put on a few years back, but still I am not at the comfortable weight I want to be at.

I tried diets and working out, but then I hit a wall.  Now, I pretty much just throw up my food.  It is not accompanied with any kind of binge though. I eat regular amounts of food, hardly snack drink a lot of fluids and lots of vegetables. Yet, I still feel the need to throw it all up after I eat and often do.

This used to happen on and off in my teen years, but now I'm almost 30 and I pretty much do it two or three times a day. I get no weight loss out of it and I am well aware of the health concerns and facts involved, but I cannot seem to stop even though it brings no real change to my appearance.  It is the weight that gets carried around my hips and abdomen that just won't budge.

I realize this is a disease that is often about "control" and yes, I do feel better once I do it, but I know it is probably going to hurt me. On top of all this, I smoke.

I take lots of water weight pills to control excess bloating. I started smoking AGAIN after quitting for two years.  YES, I am stupid, and yes, I know what I am doing is wrong and self destructive. I don't know how to fix this.

When I was really thin, I wasn't Anorexic, but I often drank lots of coffee, and smoked cigarettes, and only ate once a day if at all. Now, because I am getting older it is becoming that much harder to stay thin and it bothers me a lot.

I feel trapped in this figure and it is literally making me mental.  I often get lots of compliments but I don't see why. I actually cover up my mirror so I won't see myself naked, and I NEVER used to be this way.

I don't know, but I'm hoping I won't have to seek treatment. It looks like I may have to and that really scares me.

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