Yes, I am Bulimic

I grew up in a health conscientious family with an amazing sister and a marathon runner for a dad. I cannot remember the first time I threw up, probably in my early teens. Since then bulimia has creep in and out of my life following my days as a competitive runner.

As you all know bulimia is an endless circle, you feel good about yourself, then something breaks down in your life. You eat, and you eat, you have to finish that box of crackers and that package of cookies. You feel awful, ashamed, why can I not control myself! Then you puke, and then shame and disgrace inundates you, pulls you down, you hate yourself. Why can't you be normal, why can't you control your mouth.

Depression fills the cracks inside you and then you pull yourself up again and promise tomorrow will be better. You will never do this again, you are going to be healthy, you are going to repair this damage to yourself, you are going to be happy and thin and then your life will begin.

You will let people get close to you and touch you because you will be good enough to be a part of society like before when you were young and thin and did not have a care in the world. You are going to happy again..... LIES. ALL LIES!! This is a cycle and it will continue to rotate.

I am not cured of this obsession with my body and with food, but I know that I am bulimic, that I can't just fix myself overnight, tell myself that tomorrow life will be better.

We are humans and humans are imperfect. Bulimia is indeed a disorder, maybe it will never truly leave us, maybe it will always be a voice in the back of our minds, yet I know the best cure to an obsession is another obsession.

My advice, and what has helped me in the last six months that I have not puked is to find something to involve yourself in completely. Volunteer at an animal shelter, knit scarves for the homeless, pick up painting, join a competitive bowling league, donate your time to a local hospital. Do something that makes you feel good!

Learn to feel good again, good that does not come from food, good that does not come from puking. Don't follow into the cycle of binge/purge. You have enough energy to tell yourself that tomorrow will be better, use that energy to do something that will end this cycle of self-hate and harm. Live with your bulimia until your bulimia decides to leave you.

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