I Deny It

People say that I'm anorexic and bulimic, but I deny it. I live in denial. I look into mirrors or anything that has a reflection and stare at my flaws. I always end up crying.

I lost almost all my friends because of anorexia and bulimia. I measured and weighed myself every morning and calculated my BMI at least 5 times a day.

I was isolated myself and was depressed all the time. I looked at pictures of thin people everyday (thinspos), and I would read all the quotes to "kill" the craving for food. I live on supplements and pills instead of food. 

No one understands how I feel. Anorexia became my best friend, a friend that never left me alone, a friend that made sure I lost weight.

My parents suspected something was wrong with me, they threatened to send me to a psychiatrist. I talked with the school counselor, but it didn't help. The counselor sent me to the principal. The principal made me gain 3 kilos. I cried instantly, thinking oh no! you might as well put a gun to my head. There's no way I'll gain that weight, but I did.

Shortly afterwards, I turned to bulimia. The principal helped me out again. She made sure that I would lose weight with whatever method it took. Soon, I was taking 9 pills of laxatives a day.

I tried purging, and I was ecstatic when I first got the chocolate sundae icecream out. Then one day, I was on a binge. I took 2 milo cartons, 250ml each. I felt sick the whole day. I had a high fever and someone in school told the counselor. The counselor told my mother. My father got the real information out of me and made me stop taking those laxatives.

Today, I am still struggling. I still don't want to admit my problem to anyone. Anorexia has taken over bulimia for now. Sometimes, I think to myself, Why am I doing this to myself? Is it to be thin? Then, anorexia will guide me back to the right track again: you have to be thin, that's why you're here. It doesn't matter if I take away your life, that's what I'm suppose to do, remember? Take away your life and show the world who you really are.

In order to fight this eating disorder you have to have self-control, determination and discipline. I hope that everyone who has an eating disorder will get through it as soon as possible, because it is not fun at all.

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