Voice In My Mind Hello, my name is Cindy, and I am 25 years old. My eating disorder started at the age of 13, and has remained a voice in my mind since, some days I can defeat it, others it just takes over my whole body where I find myself tangled in a web of lies, hatred and fear. I am 5´2 weighing at 112 lbs, yet I am never content, but what bothers me the most is to gain weight, that is my biggest fear. When I started dieting at the age of 13, I wasn't even fat. I guess I started becoming interested in boys and popularity. You start competing with others just to be the best. The problem is you never are your best. You punish yourself, and I guess this was my way of coping with life. I know this sounds strange but it was like a drug for me. I would go for days without anything in my stomach but water. The feeling of having nothing in my stomach, feeling dizzy and tired all the time was like a high for me, and I felt proud because of that willpower and that sense of control and accomplishment. It was a way for me to deal. I had ups and downs. My downs was when I would give in to food and gain. I would fall into a deep depression and beat myself up. I hated where this road was taking me. I started experimenting with bulimia, since crash dieting was no good for me anymore. Instead of going down, I would fluctuate, and gaining and losing weight the way I did, marked my body for life, with these terrible stretch marks. I would binge until there was no tomorrow. It was after I had my first child when I invited this new drug into my life called bulimia. I became very depressed. I was 18, with a baby and alone. At some time in my life, I met this wonderful person who is now my husband. I finally became comfortable with myself. I felt secure. I felt like food would no longer be an issue in my life, it would no longer be a pointless thought that invades me, my mind, and my soul.¨I was cured." I never admitted to having a problem until one day my husband admitted to have heard me various times purging after my meals (this was then while we were dating). I was 19 years old at the time and I weighed 101 lbs, still 5´2. He became the person I needed by my side, my friend, my partner, my love. He reassured me that I was beautiful no matter what and without applying any pressure. It was my husband who helped me fight this enemy. We were married when I turned 20, and we now have a 5 year old boy together. I wish this story would have a happy ending. I am still hopeful one day that it will, but to all those out there fighting off this enemy, this constant battle with food, I feel for you. It is not easy and there is no easy way out. Starting May of this year 2008, after 5 years of being freed from this disease I started once again, letting into this monster. I was weighing 131 lbs, and I guess I felt fine, until one day I became conscious about my weight. I stepped on a scale and that was it for me. This was 4 months ago. I started once again crash dieting, throwing up my food if I eat the wrong things, or if I eat what is considered for me too much. I do not overeat, I do not binge, those days are over. However planning out my meals has become a daily routine in my head. As I eat I am thinking about what I will eat in my next meal. I look at myself in the mirror 20 times a day or more. I can never be good enough. My daily meal routine a day goes like this: breakfast: 1 cup of cereal (special k with 3/4 cup skim milk) / one fruit (8:15 a.m.) lunch: 1 non fat yogurt drink / 1 healthy granola / 1 fruit (2:00 p.m.) snack sometimes: almonds, cashews (10 or 15) 1 coffee w/ skim milk and diet sugar dinner: 1 fruit plate with yogurt and granola crumbs. ( 8:00 p.m. ) and no more. Other days I might do exactly this but skipping the last part which is dinner. I always try to have my healthy breakfast. I need to keep this under control because my husband loves me and I want to love myself. I believe that taking small steps at a time is important, atleast you try. I do not want to throw up my meals. I know how strenuous that is on my body, so instead I try to keep to my daily food intake to a minimum, because I know that if I break this I will collapse. I do not starve myself, but my diet does consist of eating about 800 to 1,200 calories a day and that's about it. Going from 131 lbs, to what I am today 112 lbs. Thank you for hearing my story. And for all those who do not love themselves, and are suffering day by day with the same issues, I am here to let you know there is hope. Just let yourselves be loved. That is the one thing that has helped me pull through this, knowing that I am loved and cared for. That I have two gorgeous children that love me, and a husband that would give up his life just to see me smile. I know that my problem is more focused on my depression and low self esteem I have for myself than anything else. But I refuse to let this enemy (anorexia/bulimia) take over my life, for I am stronger than that. |
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