I Just Want To Stop!
Here is my story, I guess...
First off, I have always been extremely outgoing and the "family ham". And not to sound cocky, but I've always had a lot of friends too.
When I was in 6th grade, so about 11, I got sick with a tummy bug. I started throwing up, and I realized I could eat a lot of food and not gain any weight. I had never cared about my body before though. So my mom started to worry about me being sick, so we went to the doctors and they found out that I was lactose intolerance.
I would eat lots of dairy foods, then throw it up. My friends and family all thought it was funny that my "love for ice cream" didn't stop me from purging. I also had gastritis, so that was my excuse for the vomiting.
The next year, I packed on a couple of pounds. I tried not eating and it didn't work very well. So, I would eat lightly then come home and do my ab machine for an hour. I wasn't losing any weight, so I started throwing up again, though it never really went away.
This bad habit never affected my weight though. When I was about 13, I got really sick with pneumonia. I was sick for three weeks straight and I couldn't eat anything. I lost about 10 pounds. I was extremely happy with my body. I weighed about 123 pounds at 5'2.
I have always had G cup boobs, so I'm much smaller than your average 123 pound girl. Once I started hanging out with people again and being "healthy", I ate only healthy food but lots of it. I would throw up after dinner only. I was a big runner so I burned all the calories off anyway. Next thing I know I'm 110.
My friends were all envious of my body and no one was really concerned. Everything in my life started to become "perfect" but not really perfect at all. I was working out two hours a day and then doing 1500 crunches a day on top of that. My friends and family members started worrying about me. All I really remember from that time period was having everything in a perfect order.
Next thing I know, I was fitting back into my 4th grade shorts and I loved it. Boys stopped liking me and my friends were more distant. I loved watching the scale drop to the weight of 85 pounds. I was sick of people talking about me. It went from her body look so good to, she is disgustingly skinny. I didn't care though.
I fought with my parents on a daily basis about eating, and I would cry when they made me eat a whole apple. I started to dislike being around people and I was always freezing. My friends all got together with me and told me that I wasn't the same person, they said people used to say "I WANT TO MEET THIS GIRL!" she seems so fun! and then they stopped. I didn't care. I knew something was wrong and didn't care.
After about four or five months, my parents tricked me into going to the doctor and I broke down. The doctor yelled at me and told me that I looked awful and was very sick. I started crying, I was confused and fighting with my doctor. I can't even believe it now. They put me on a very strict weight gaining diet.
I still counted calories and wouldn't eat anything with fat in it, and I also couldn't run and it was so upsetting. But eventually, I went from 85 to 136. I was disgusted with my body even though I was still a size 2, but still throwing up but not as much. I was happy other than that though.
I had an awesome boyfriend and best friends. Eventually I was back down to 123 with lots of cross country running, biking, yoga, and swimming. It was over a year course though, but I was continuing to throw up and I obsess over exercise.
Today I am a size 25/0 or 2 but not completely satisfied with my body. I hate throwing up but it seems like the only way when I crave junk. If I eat something unhealthy and don't throw it up, it puts me in a bad mood.
I'm in a good place with my life. My personality is back and I have lots of friends, but my self-esteem is awful. I just want to stop throwing up and be healthy and normal. I hate sneaking off to the woods or bathroom to do it. I hate upsetting my mom when she knows I've thrown up or I'm lying to her. Please help!
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