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I Desperately Need Help

I feel exactly the same! I am constantly trying to stop but it just keeps on happening and I hate it.

I used to think I was really clever, but my mouth is full of ulcers. I hurt and run away from the ones I love by lying to them. I just want to be normal.

Summer holidays are coming up, and I want to go to my friends summer house, but I'm scared. I don't want them to know what my life is really like or for them to face the reality of my life. My close friends know, well, knew (cause everyone thinks I have stopped). I don't want to be actually put in the position of them seeing it happen.

My mom, she does so much for me and I throw up the little food she cooks up for me and works so hard to supply for us and I lie to her constantly about it. I don´t want to hurt her anymore. I have been saying this for months, and went she implies that she knows, I act all defensive, fight, and argue as if she is wrong. I just make things worse.

Why am I such a mess up? I want to get out of this! Plus, my face looks like a balloon and my mouth and throat is sore. How did I become like this? I never used to be insecure!

I have a great mom. Okay, so there are other things in my life, but I suppose things happens right? I am suppose to be able to deal with it. After all, it's my life. I am pathetic. I can't believe this is me.

When ever I think about my daily routine I can't believe I actually do it. Such a waste of time, money, and energy, both mine and my wonderful moms!

I desperately need help, but what help? What can I do? I don't want to go to the hospital. With all the sick people I'll look pathetic and feel out of place. I don't have money for a psychiatrist and I have tried a million times alone, but clearly that hasn't worked.

How embarrassing, writing on the internet. I don't know if I should actually send this. Maybe it is actually good for those beginners to realize that this cycle is disgusting, tiring, and hard to break.

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