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Lost All Control

As a young teen, I was always one of the popular girls, not underweight, not thin, but not fat by any means.  I always felt like I was one of the prettier ones of my friends, simple because they always complimented me. 

I grew up with just me and my mom, because my dad left when I was 7.  He was in and out of our lives when it was convenient for him, and I always starved for his attention.

After graduating from high school, I got married at 19. I had a baby before I was 21, I had a great life.  During my pregnancy, I reached 210 pounds and I started out at 128.  Clearly no self control with food!

After I gave birth, my dad who was not even at my wedding, decided he wanted to be a part of my son's and my life again.  No responsibility for him, I was grown. I remember the first time I saw him after having my son. I was down to around 160 pounds. Someone said, hey you are looking good, and my fathers comment was, yeah, but your ass is still big.  And that did it!  That was 8 years ago, and I can still hear it in my head so clearly.

Well, my father passed away 2 years ago, and I felt like I had lost control of my feelings, my life.  So many unanswered questions, so many unheard compliments, so many things I never said or asked.  I lost all control.  I needed to control something.  Food was the only thing I could control.  No one could make me eat.  I felt if I could control my daily diet then I was in control of my life.

A few months after his passing I was down to about 128 pounds, six months later a 115 pounds.  First I would eat what I wanted, then I would feel this guilt. If I can't have a big meal like this, then why should I.  And if I can't sleep in a comfortable bed then why do I deserve to?  So I would throw up my food and I would sleep on the floor or couch. 

I was totally abandoned my husband and I lost interest in my family all together.  Finally my husband realized what I was doing, binging and purging and I stopped.  But the feeling of control was lost again.  So, to stop feeling the need to throw up I stopped eating sweets, salt, carbs, certain veggies, I ate nothing!

I exercised all the time. My periods stopped.  I reached a record low of 98 pounds last year.  I stopped going out with my friends and family. It was all about me and my eating disorder.

I'm back up to around 116 give or take, and I feel so huge, but in reality I know I'm not. Anorexia has completely controlled my life for the past year, and I have to shake it!  I cannot live like this.  These are not the kind of memories I want my son to have of me.  I need to be me again.  My size 0's are a thing of the past and I have to accept that. 

I am 29 now and still have not had a period in a year, I may never get to give my son a sibling because of anorexia, I my never be comfortable in my own skin again!

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