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I Chose Bulimia

The first time I ever became actually self conscious about my weight was when I was in the 6th grade.  The boy I had a crush on came up to me and told me I had a fat face.  I shouldn't have let it bother me, but it did.  After that, I thought I was fat and always complained about it.

My friends told me I was fine, but I didn't believe them.  I never really did anything about it. I kept eating normally. I was on the basketball and volleyball team. I was working out with my sports.  So, it bothered me, but it hadn't gotten serious yet.

One day during my sophomore year of high school, I was walking down the hallway and there was a window, and it was the type of window that was more like a mirror, really hard to see through and when I walked past it I saw my reflection and was horrified. I just stared at myself and all I could feel was hate for how big I looked. After that I refused to look in mirrors and decided to start working out more.

I dropped a little bit of weight, but it wasn't good enough.  So, one night after having dinner with my parents I made myself sick. That's when I started being bulimic. This was March of 2006.  It was slow and sort of on and off.  I would do it only about 3 times a week for a couple months, then stop for a little bit.  But by July of 2007, I was doing it after every meal for a couple months.  In November of 2007, I started doing it after every meal, everyday without any breaks.  I would binge during lunch then during fifth period, I would ask if I could use the bathroom. 

One day while I was purging I heard someone come in. I turned around really fast when they knocked on my stall. When I opened the door it was a friend, she said she told the teacher she was worried about you and asked if she could come in here to check on me. She said I was going to the bathroom every single day.  I tried telling her I had a bladder problem, but she didn't buy it.  So I broke down and told her.  She told me I had a week to get help or she was going to tell someone for me.  I told her I would tell my parents even though I wasn't actually going to. She figured out I was lying because she told the school guidance counselor that day. 

When the guidance counselor called me and questioned me, I told her that I was fine and my friend did not know what she was talking about. Just because I go to the bathroom everyday after lunch doesn't mean I have an eating disorder. Some people are on a schedule. She somehow believed me and I pulled it off.

Bulimia has taken over my life, it controls me and keeps me from concentrating. I am having a rough time in college because the desire to be thin is always on my mind, it's so hard to focus. I am always tired and  have mood swings like crazy, I get dizzy just by standing up.

I always smell like vomit even after showers and washing my hands. I tend to lash out on people for no reason, it is ruining my relationship with my family and friends.  My throat is sore and I constantly have a headache. 

I need to get help, but I'm not sure who to turn to. I'm taking it step by step. One of the things that have made me come to realize I need help is because I think my bulimia is turning into anorexia. I used to eat, but it's fading and it's getting to the point where I won't eat.  And it's hard because I know there are starving people in other countries and here I am not eating or vomiting it up. 

It really is a selfish thing, I chose bulimia but it got to the point where it was addictive and I couldn't stop. I should have stopped when I could still control it, or before I ever started at all. I know it's hard, but if you think you have bulimia, don't let it take over your life like it has mine.  Get help!

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