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I Want To Get Better

I have never faced such a sad, difficult, and terrifying problem before. In the middle of my junior year, I became bulimic.

I was on the school swim team and that is when I noticed how "unperfect" my body was. I tried dieting for months but I never lost weight. Truth is, I didn't have a weight problem. I realize that now, and I still weight the same as I did. I allowed myself one binge day and the rest of the week I starved myself.

Eventually, on the day that I binged day I thought to myself, I can just vomit up this food and I won't gain weight! I tried it and it worked, so I did it every friday. I didn't even know what I was doing. I didn't even know it was an eating disorder. I thought I was the only person doing it.

Then I did it more and more and I realized I was addicted and had a problem. I looked it up and realized it was actually an eating disorder. I ignored this and kept binging and purging to the point where I would do it three times a day and six times on weekends.

I stopped hanging out with friends and dedicated all my time to my eating disorder. I didn't lose any weight but I lost my life.

My mom finally realized what was going on. She called The Renfrew Center and said I would be there as long as I needed to be. I thought I could stop within two weeks of treatment, and then go back to school happy as ever with no problem.

I spent my whole senior year of school in treatment. After two weeks of treatment, I got very depressed and I realized how much of a problem this really was. I cried almost everyday because I couldn't control myself. I spend hours binging and purging everyday and I never felt better about myself. I was going from outpatient to inpatient to out patient all year. Eventually, I got slightly better and stopped binging and purging for a month, but then I started again and that's when I lost all hope and got very depressed.

I've been out of treatment for a year now and I haven't felt any better. Last month I started my eating disorder habits again.

I left for college with my moms credit card and I know I have gone over her credit limit, but I couldn't stop myself from buying food to binge on. I'm too afraid to come home now because of how she might be in debt. When I left for college I had 700.00 in my bank account and in a month that was all gone. I maxed out my credit card as well. I had to cut it up.

I'm going back to Renfrew again in a month because I could not feel anymore terrible about myself. I want this to all end. I still cry everyday and wish I could be like everyone else. To have a box of cookies and eat only a couple, and be ok with only eating that many. It would be so amazing to me. I would be so happy. I want to get better, I really want to get better.

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