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Afraid

I am 19 years old. I have an eating disorder that started when I entered the 9th grade. I was 15.

I fell head over hills in love (my first love and boyfriend). Dan was 6'4 and a body builder. I was short, petite 5'1 and weighed 90 pounds. I had pretty high self-esteem back then. Guys were always asking me out. I looked pretty hot. I have to admit.

I dated Dan off and on for three years. He lowered my self esteem as low as imaginable. He put me down, called me fat, compared me to tall skinny girls. Cheated on me more times then I can count. My best friend was the worst time. I was betrayed by both of them. I was hurt and wanted to end my life.

I could go on and on about what Dan put me through. He put me down so much with my 90 pound body that I truly believed I was fat and I could never compare to those pretty, tall, thin girls. I hid my pain from everyone.

I became bulimic. I compulsively exercised 24/7. I could not stop myself. I took diet pills, laxatives, and water pills. I bought lots of exercise equipment. I never got below 90 pounds. That was in 1991. My highest weight was 98 pounds in 2005. 

I have been married to a wonderful guy for 19 years. I have two beautiful kids and I weigh 98 pounds. I have always struggled to get back to 90 pounds.

In 2005, I suffered from depression after having my son. It took me a year after I had him to get back to 98 pounds. During that year. I had a very traumatic event with my marriage. My husband starting lying to me to protect my health. In 2005, I panicked from the weight gain after my son, and other stresses that year. I started having severe panic and anxiety attacks. I thought I was dyeing.

I became scared of myself. I felt unattractive, severely fat, flat chested, ugly. I started becoming that girl I was in the 9th grade, when I wasn't good enough for Dan. I felt I wasn't good enough for my husband.  I thought he might start looking at other girls. I felt unwanted, incomparable to all the young, sexy, thin girls he was working around. Well, after discovering my perfect husband lied and betrayed my trust with a girl, not to mention, tall, skinny blonde, almost have my age.

We have been together for 19 years. My husband kept a three month secret about a new co-worker that's very young. (He never cheated) He couldn't tell me about her, because of my low self-esteem. He was afraid. But when I did find out. He couldn't stop lying, he hurt me so bad. My world felt upside down. I made myself believe that he liked this girl and had a crush on her. That's why he couldn't tell me.

Well, now I'm spying on him, I couldn't trust him. I became obsessed with checking up on him. Always thinking he will hurt me again.

I have OCD, Severe panick and anxiety, phobia of skinny girls. I can not watch t.v. or go in public because I panic and get upset that I can't be that skinny. I'm highly jealous of girls.

I have practically imprisoned my husband from going out in public. He goes to work and home only. I still check up on him. He has a new job and works with two women. A large one and an anorexic one. She's tall, thin, probably 5'10 and weighs 110 at the very most. A beautiful brunette.  He tells me he never sees her. But he works with her daily. How is that possible? I do believe him. I know he loves me and would never want to hurt me again.  I have anxiety attacks daily because of my fear he will see or look at her.

I don't sleep well. I have gained 20 pounds and hate the way I look. Last year, I got breast implants. I had a lipo done but that failed.

I am addicted to laxatives, diet pills, and water pills again. I am getting anxiety attacks and I shake around food. But most of time I stuff myself and then cry. I hate this! I want to stop. I want to be thinner. I am so afraid I will never lose the weight. I don't know what to do.

My husband knows my bad habits and does care for me. I believe he is being honest and he does care. But he doesn't know how serious eating disorders are. We don't know what to do. I feel I am falling apart. I need help and I am just so lost. 

My fears of being thin has isolated me from the outside world. I can't look at thin girls because it triggers me to take more pills. I love my husband and kids. If I don't stop he may leave me. He can't take my eating disorder and what it's doing to our marriage. I want it to stop. I'm afraid it may kill me. I have no control.

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