My Twin Daughters, Anorexic twin daughters

My Twin Daughters

Anorexia entered the life of my daughter when she was 15. Soon afterwards, her twin sister followed. Although I had tried everything in my power to ensure that she would not follow in her sister's footstep. Now, both of them are struggling. Since they're very underweight all exercise activities have stopped, although they never were hospitalized.

I am a positive person, an optimist. I do not blame myself for the disease, despite feeling that if I had been more of a backbone parent and given them more discipline, and resilience it would not have lead to this. I over parented like many in my generations. I tried to give them all of me. My time, my attention and my love.

Both of my daughters, have a tendency to want things to be perfect. As twins, they have never found relationships that were satisfying. They often felt unsure, had low self confidence, and did not socialize well.

Adolescence was a difficult time, a time of wanting to be one. Separation from the other twin was far more difficult, than with us, the parents. So many fights and arguments. As parents, we always tried to push their individuality. Yet, now - with anorexia - they compete over who has the smallest piece of fruit, they measure, weigh, observe each piece of food to make sure that neither of them is given that extra piece of food, they, wrongly, believe will make one of them look fatter than the other.

The doctors at the ED clinic gave up. I almost did. We stopped visiting, because it was useless. I would go from hope to despair, anger to sadness, frustration to a profound sentiment that things will never be resolved. I hate this disease. I imagine a monster that lives in their heads, that puts them down, despite all the efforts, we, as parents, have made, to make them feel good about themselves.

They are beginning to make friends, enjoy school, learning, working, and becoming adult women. Sometimes, I see a glimpse of lucidity. But, sometimes, I wonder, what the road ahead will bring. I had two beautiful daughters, blessed by intelligence, creativity, inner and outer beauty, kindness, values, compassion - yet, torn by an inner voice that makes them feel worthless. No amount of encouragement works. Strangers, who since they were little, commented on their beauty, do not suffice to make them believe they are so beautiful. Youth is waisted on the young.

We have friends dying around us - that would give anything to have health. We have only one life to live. I do not understand . I have read, and done researched. But, I do not understand. Will there be an end? Will it be the happy ending of movies when finally, the adolescent mind starts thinking straight? It seems sometimes impossible, since an underfed mind is prone to low self-esteem, irritability, obsessiveness, depression and anxiety. The vicious cycle we face. And, to think I had the chance of having two daughters, not one. In a few days, they will turn 18, I want only for them inner peace and happiness.

:Ms. N.