Tomorrow Is Not Going To Be There: Coping with my eating disorder after the death of my uncle

Tomorrow Is Not Going To Be There

I was 12 years old when I started forcing myself to throw up. I did it 40-50 times that year.

My uncle committed suicide and my family was all caught up in it. I didn't know what to do, I couldn't rely on anyone. My mother was so sad and I couldn't talk to her. I hated her for me never seeing my uncle. So, the only thing I relied on was throwing up. It relieved the pain and no one knew what I was doing it.

Of course guys were always jerks and that made me want to do it more. No one could stop me. I was on a roll and I hated it, but I couldn't stop what I was doing. No one helped me, and if they ask me what was wrong, I would lie. I would say it was none of their business.

My family was so curious about my behavior. It was so horrible. I screamed, yelled, threw things, and cried.

I got so weak I had to go to see a counselor. I talked to my counselor and she was a big help, but she thought I should tell my parents. It got so bad, my doctor told me I was killing myself. I was put on medication but that didn't help. Pills weren't the drugs I needed. I needed my family, my friends, but mostly, MY UNCLE.

No one knows how bad it is to go through that pain. I was the only one in control of it. I kept doing it, and finally I met a guy who loved me. That's when I decided that this had to end. At 12 years old, I knew what I had to do.

I just quit eating and that didn't help. I told my mom I was going to start going to church, so that I could get my life straight. My parents agreed to it.

Now, I am 14 and I have hyperglycemia and a blockage in my heart. I wish I could go back in time and change what I did. It wasn't fun and now my health is ruined. I use to think I was so fat, and now I sometimes think I should rely on my old habits, but then I think, no, because I am stronger and I can fight this battle alone.

My best friend is doing it and she will not listen to me at all. She says give it until tomorrow. One day, tomorrow is not going to be there.