Anorexic and in denial, 13 years old and Anorexic, Discovering that I am an Anorexic

Carrying The Weight of The World

My Anorexia Story

I am 13 and I went to visit my old school yesterday, I saw my old teacher. He was never really someone I thought of as my teacher, he was more like my friend. I spent two years in his classroom and grew as a person more than I ever thought was possible.

Before going into his class, I was this little shy girl, who was very loyal with wisdom beyond her years and knew what she wanted, but never spoke out or had a lot of confidence (that's what people told me). Being in his class I became very much an extravert. My Mum couldn't believe the change in me. When I saw my old teacher yesterday he said to me, "It looks like you are carrying the weight of the world on your shoulders, what's up?"

Because, I don't like to share, I laughed an uncomfortable laugh and changed the subject. A while later he then proceeded to tell me he had been hearing things about me and my situation and told me he and others are very concerned about me.

I got home that night to tell my Mum what my old teacher had told me, I think she was almost hurt that he had told me this, as it meant that they didn't trust her and thought she was doing a bad job at bringing me up.

She said to me, "No, that can't be right! Where has he heard things from? His sources can't be telling him the truth." Little did she know if someone did know some of the things that were going on in my head and the battles I'm facing there would be something to be concerned about.

We sat down and I poured my heart out. I told her some of the struggles that I had been facing and I also told her that I had been depressed and was suicidal at times.

During the Christmas holidays I was really sick. I didn't eat anything. Before then, the end of last years school year and up to about a month ago I was having kidney stone problems.

The doctors hadn't seen a case like mine... Ever! They ran tests, x-rays, mri's, cat scans, etc., the tests never stopped. It didn't occur to the doctors they should test for Anorexia. I didn't even know I had it, at that stage I was depressed, but I always had this extravert mask on so not one person ever knew.

For a while I was fooled by my extravert mask and didn't even know I was suffering depression. Back to the christmas holidays. I didn't think much of me not eating. I just though that I shouldn't do it. There was a 'voice' in my head telling me it was bad for me and I didn't deserve the food my Mum cooked.

I didn't know I was anorexic. I would vomit after every meal (even though I didn't eat anything). My Mum did know I was anorexic, and it was only last night that she told me. Of course, I thought she was crazy, and still now, I'm in denial a little bit. In forcing myself to vomit, never eating anything, rapidly losing weight and all the other side effects of anorexia, never once did I even think I had it. It just seemed the normal thing for me to do.

I changed doctors, and funny enough, my new doctor was my best friends mum. Go figure. My mum talked to my new doctor about my eating habits, and my doctor threw out the idea of me being anorexic. I didn't know about any of this and Mum took me in to get more tests done, I didn't know what I was being checked out for, I thought it was just an ordinary check up. The test results came back and sure enough I was anorexic.

I wasn't skinny. I was never skinny through this whole process or skeleton skinny. I've always been solidly built but the amount of weight I lost was huge. I didn't notice a difference, I still thought I was fat.

You try telling an anorexic person they are losing too much weight. They just don't listen. It wasn't until I was staying at my friends house and his mum knew about my not eating. That's when I came to a turning point. She turned the TV on to a documentary (She's not the type of person to watch doc's, neither is her son) we sat and watched it and my friend tried changing the channel because he didn't find it that interesting but just as quickly it got changed back.

The documentary was about the human body and while the documentary was on, my friends mum was making comments about what happens to your body when you don't eat.

It freaked me out, and right then I decided no matter how sick I feel at the sight of food, I need to eat something, I didn't want this happening to me.

I haven't completely recovered. I'm still a little depressed and my struggles haven't got that much easier to cope with, but I'm coming out on the other side.

I don't think it was ever about me thinking I was fat. That may have had a little to do with it, but it was more anxious than anything.

My story isn't as great as other peoples anorexia stories but it's real to me. It happened to me. It's a bit mixed up and in places hard to follow, but I've just written what I remember about it. I now know what its like. I'm still coming to terms with the fact that I was anorexic. I only found out that I am a true anorexic 16 hours ago! I've been there, I've done that, and now I never want to go back.

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