I'm in control: Controlling my Bulimic urges

I'm In Control

I had anorexic tendencies from the age of 15. I used laxatives and restricted my food intake.

I lived at a boarding school and when my younger sister began to go the same way. I realized that I had to be a role model and stop (or at least let her know that it was over).

I moved schools and became best friends with a girl who had been hospitalized during her fifth year at school with anorexia. She had had a horrendous life experience but I was competitive.

During my lower sixth year, the bulimia revisited - stronger than before. I would look at the drawer where I had hidden my packed lunches and felt great that I was getting one over on my mum.

The two hours of daily exercise was causing concern within the family but my reassurances were keeping them at bay. I knew my mum had no idea about bulimia. I felt empowered and strong and superior that I was doing something for me.

No-one could possibly understand, except my best friend, but I could never compete with her so I never told her. She knew. She confronted me about it several times, but I always denied it. Who was I kidding?

More than 20 years on, I still have the urge when life gets a little too tough. But I have learnt that controlling food changes nothing about the difficulties you face. You can decide to control or be controlled. I don't deny that sometimes it's easier to give in and let something take over, but it's so much better to be in control and live your life the way it should be and for you.

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