How I Use To Be: I just want to be a normal person, I want to be happy

Not How I Used To Be

You may think that the girl in class that's always laughing and smiling and is pretty smart, has a decent life, nothing compared to your huge problems. But do you really know her? Have you lived a day in her shoes and really tried to get to know what she's like? Appearances are decieving.

It started about a year ago. I had just started losing some weight. Not too long ago, I was well...fat. In the summer, I started exercising and eating less. At the time, I was perfectly healthy, I think. But as I grew thinner, my worries grew larger.

I had always thought that if I was thin, it would be perfect. My life would be just like the people in the movies, where all the boys wanted me and I was happy. But things aren't like that at all, and I learned that the hard way.

I began to grow increasingly scared that I would go back to how I used to look. How would I live if I were fat again? I didn't even remember what it felt like. I had blocked that part out and forgot about everything in my child years when I was like that. I burned the pictures and ripped them up. I didn't want to be reminded of how I used to be.

Everything felt out of control, I didn't know what to do anymore and who to be.The only thing that could save me and I could be in control of, was my weight, or atleast I thought.

I was always on some sort of diet. My mother thought it was great of course. All these years of telling me how horrible I looked in those jeans finally paid off. I was the daughter she always wanted, atleast in image.

Finally, one day I got curious. I decided to throw up after I had eaten a whole carton of ice cream. Tired of fighting with my mother and my father not understanding me. I thought it was so perfect. It somehow made me feel happier for a while. I wasn't worried because I knew that no matter what, I'd always be in control of my weight, if I didn't eat that much and it didn't stay in my stomach very long either.

What was wrong with it? I always had something to eat of course, I wasn't crazy. I just threw up some of it, to make sure I never went back to what I used to be.

After reading the novel "Perfect", I had sympathy for the main character and for the girl who she always thought was "perfect" because I knew I was that girl. Most people are always telling me that I'm healthy and that I'm always laughing. They envy me because of that. Why don't they take the time to realize a smile is nothing more than a person hiding what they really feel, because crying is no use. No one would care and the people that do care would eventually get tired of you whining. So after reading that, I stopped purging completely. Why? Because I didn't want to end up like that girl. But maybe it's too late.

I don't really know if you can recover from Bulimia.(To this day, it kills me to say I have/had Bulimia, because it just makes it that much more real.) I sure hope it is. Is there a cure? No, I highly doubt it. But I just want one day when I can look in the mirror and think I don't look too bad. I think that is when I'll be recovered.

Right now, I'm not there yet. I've only told three close friends about this thing that I hide from everyone. Do I regret telling them? Sometimes, yes. I wonder if they look at me any differently and if they think I'm weak or ugly. I want to see myself through their eyes.

Will I ever stop what I am doing? Maybe, I can't predict the future. I want to stop so badly. I just want to be a normal person and be like everyone else, happy. But the thing I most want, is to never be like how I used to be. I think that wins out over being normal. I feel trapped in this body, like I don't belong. Maybe, how I used to be is what I'll always be.

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