Bulimia, Struggling with Bulimia, Hating my body, My endless struggle with Bulimia, Fighting my bulimic disease

I Hate My Body

I started my Bulimic struggle at 17. I will be 42 years old this December.

Amazingly, I have been pretty abusive with my body, but not with laxatives. I probably use the restroom atleast 4 times a day. I have no stomach problems, fatigue, or anything. Every time I go to a new dentist, I embarrassingly disclose my past to them, and they tell me I have no enamel erosion.

It makes no sense to me, but I do not believe that if you force your body to do what it is not meant to (unless you really ARE sick) nothing will come of it.

It is a terrible secret. In my attempts to recover, my mother just snapped "why don't you just grow up!" She would not let me share my feelings. (I was 32). I know she blames herself for the beatings and sexual abuse at the hand of my father but you know what? He is dead now, we are here, and being able to speak about it instead of this being something shameful is not the best foundation for healing. Not that she is responsible, it just doesn't help.

The worst part (or best) is that so many people comment on my figure, that I look like Giselle (actually that's true) and how they wish they could look "beautiful" like me. They just don't know the pain it is to be here.

I have gained 8 pounds (intentionally - there is a mentally healthy heart beating in there somewhere) and it is one of the hardest things I have ever done. I hate my body; even though at 42 I am unrealistic to have the body of a 20 year old. Alas, thus is the disorder.

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