Eating Away My Problems

I never had a problem with being a little overweight in High School, I just figured that was the way I was built. I may not have liked the way I looked but I didn't hate it either. I was always in limbo between fat and healthy, 5'6 and 165 pounds. Then I got injured and I started to gain weight.

Food has always been my comfort. Nothing can cure a case of the blues like a Big Mac and a milkshake, but unfortunately that behavior pushed me up to 185lbs.

That was how I started college. I was on a scholarship for athletics and I was always conscious about my weight, never mind the fact that I was constantly surrounded by beautiful, thin, swimmers who could eat whatever they wanted and still look great.

I knew that I was depressed and I wanted to lose weight, but because I felt so sad, I just ate my problems away instead. So, 185 pounds was where I stayed for a while. I hated myself and didn't know how to shed the pounds, exercising was just so embarrassing, all those skinny girls around and I needed food to keep me from going crazy.

So, I was stuck like this for over a year. The thing that triggered my bulimia was a shopping day. I spent all day trying on jeans and I just couldn't find a pair to fit over my enormous thighs, I was so embarrassed when the clerk asked if I needed another size and I knew they didn't have any bigger ones. I cried the whole way home and for 2 hours after. I cried so hard that I made myself throw up, but instead of feeling disgusting, I felt so relieved. It felt like a giant stress had been lifted from my shoulders. I could breathe again.

That was when I started thinking that just throwing up after eating was the answer. As long as I took my pills after the purge, I would be able to keep the bi-polar symptoms at bay, and lower my weight without having to work extra hard.

I was super proud of myself when I lost 5 pounds in the first week. I set goals for myself where I would lose 5 pounds every week  until my weight was low enough and then I would just quit. I had a 12 week plan to get me down to my ideal 125 pounds.

I would imagine how great I would look in my bikini and how jealous everyone would be. I still think that way. I just can't stop myself. When I finish eating, I tell myself that it's no big deal, just leave it be, but no matter how long I wait, I end up forcing it out somehow. I just can't help myself. I weigh myself over 20 times a day. I need help but it's terrifying to ask. My illnesses control me, and I just can't stop.

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